The definition of success varies from person to person. Too many people think success is just about making money. My definition of success is "Be all you WANT to be" and to "Keep going, despite every obstacle".
I consider myself to be successful despite my bipolar. I am not a doctor or a lawyer. I do not have a sizable bank account. But, I am happy and I get by. In fact, I get by quite well.
My cousin is a lawyer, and he considers himself to be a failure. He doesn't earn "enough" money he tells me. He thinks I'm silly when I tell him to count his blessings. My cousin does not suffer from any mental illness, he is just a little greedy. He is chasing the dollar, what a waste. I consider myself to be more successful than he.
Bipolar has taught me to count my blessings. Every moment matters. Bipolar has taught me compassion, patience, and hope. Bipolar has made me a better person.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I'm JUST Bipolar
I have been seeing the same Psy Doc for almost ten years now. It's comical to me to see that she still doesn't get me. I drive her nuts.
Over the years, she has tried so hard to fix me. She first diagnosed me with depression. She gave me some Celexa, and WoW did that stuff make me fly. If she was worth her salt, she would have known from week 1 that I was "Just Bipolar". After just the first dose of Celexa I called her the next day in a panic, "Help! My heart is racing, my pupils are dilated, and I can't stop pacing. I think I am going to jump out of my skin!" I told her. She calmly told me to "just take a half a pill tomorrow". And that was that.
I took that Celexa for a year or two, and it was a very happy year. Looking back, it was a year of hypomania/mania. Of course the inevitable happened, I crashed and went into a major depression.
Even after that little "oops" on her part, she still didn't get it. Over the years, she has diagnosed me OCD, ADD, ADHD, and a few other things, and given me the drugs to treat them. Du, Doc- I am JUST Bipolar.
Lucky for me, I am smart. I do a lot of my own research, and I just won't take a drug combination that turns me into a zombie.
Over the years, she has tried so hard to fix me. She first diagnosed me with depression. She gave me some Celexa, and WoW did that stuff make me fly. If she was worth her salt, she would have known from week 1 that I was "Just Bipolar". After just the first dose of Celexa I called her the next day in a panic, "Help! My heart is racing, my pupils are dilated, and I can't stop pacing. I think I am going to jump out of my skin!" I told her. She calmly told me to "just take a half a pill tomorrow". And that was that.
I took that Celexa for a year or two, and it was a very happy year. Looking back, it was a year of hypomania/mania. Of course the inevitable happened, I crashed and went into a major depression.
Even after that little "oops" on her part, she still didn't get it. Over the years, she has diagnosed me OCD, ADD, ADHD, and a few other things, and given me the drugs to treat them. Du, Doc- I am JUST Bipolar.
Lucky for me, I am smart. I do a lot of my own research, and I just won't take a drug combination that turns me into a zombie.
Bipolars Get Great Jobs
Bipolars are often able to land some excellent jobs. If you work for an average size company, chances are you work with at least one bipolar. He or she is probably that super creative person who just won't stay put in their cubical (and sometimes hides in it).
The problem with us bipolars, is that some of us are as good at losing jobs as we are at landing them. And yes, although I am successful, I have burned a few bridges in the ole' career journey. The older I get, the longer I am able to keep my jobs. I usually put myself on a two-year contract.
I have NEVER been fired (yet!!). But, I have been "Almost Fired". The trick for me is knowing when to let go. Personal Relationships are most often the reason for my job-hopping. But, The worst boss I ever had was myself (I was self- employed).
However, I do not despair. I am smart, and there is always another job just around the corner. I land wonderful jobs, and make wonderful contributions. I always leave a company knowing that I have done some very wonderful things, and that I gave my heart and sole.
"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm" - Winston Churchill
The problem with us bipolars, is that some of us are as good at losing jobs as we are at landing them. And yes, although I am successful, I have burned a few bridges in the ole' career journey. The older I get, the longer I am able to keep my jobs. I usually put myself on a two-year contract.
I have NEVER been fired (yet!!). But, I have been "Almost Fired". The trick for me is knowing when to let go. Personal Relationships are most often the reason for my job-hopping. But, The worst boss I ever had was myself (I was self- employed).
However, I do not despair. I am smart, and there is always another job just around the corner. I land wonderful jobs, and make wonderful contributions. I always leave a company knowing that I have done some very wonderful things, and that I gave my heart and sole.
"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm" - Winston Churchill
Making Bipolar Work For You
Come on people! Bipolar isn't a death sentence. You can make it work for you. Many Famous People have/had bipolar disorder. Some of my personal favorites on this list are Kay Redfield Jamison, Lord Byron, Carrie Fisher, Ernest Hemingway, Edger Allan Poe, and Axl Rose. (And we all still wonder about Britney Spears)
But hey, these are my favorites- the list is long- read it. The List is from Wikipedia, so if you know of more, you can edit it for us all to read. History is just loaded with creative bipolars.
Use your bipolar talents for good, and not evil. Embrace modern science, and continue to search for your own best treatment.
Don't be discouraged by statistics and sad stories. There are many closet-bipolars out there living successful lives, it is STIGMA that keeps them quiet.
But hey, these are my favorites- the list is long- read it. The List is from Wikipedia, so if you know of more, you can edit it for us all to read. History is just loaded with creative bipolars.
Use your bipolar talents for good, and not evil. Embrace modern science, and continue to search for your own best treatment.
Don't be discouraged by statistics and sad stories. There are many closet-bipolars out there living successful lives, it is STIGMA that keeps them quiet.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Lead Me NOT Into Bipolar Temptation
Lets see, how do the "Experts" like to describe us "Bipolars"?
The "Experts" often speak of what us "Bipolars" do when manic. Today I want to touch on several of those Bipolar Traits that I have learned to curb. I have done this by taking every step possible to avoid temptation. Because even though I take my meds, I still get those bipolor urges.
-Spending sprees
-Abuse of drugs
-Promiscuity
Bipolar Spending Sprees- When I'm feeling good, I just love to spend money. I'm happy and I feel like I deserve it. I've got plastic, now lets go shopping! Or Not. I've learned to curb the spending in two ways. I try to stay out of stores. And, when I must go into a store, I bring cash. Plastic is locked away. One time I went as far to take my credit card, wrap it in some freezer wrap, and to freeze it into a big chunk of ice. Sometimes I looked at that big old ice cube, and though about how I could get to the credit card, but it was pretty well safe there. When I feel that I absolutely MUST go on a spending spree, I take 20 dollars, and run over to the dollar store. Somehow that can be just as satisfying as spending thousands.
Abuse of Drugs- My number one piece of advice on this is, chose your friends wisely. "Friends" often become the supplier. But if you get caught in this (as I did), I highly recommend a 12 step program such as AA. Trade one addiction for another, and one group of "friends" for another.
Promiscuity- Promiscuity can be the most difficult of all to control. Set boundaries for yourself, and stick to them. Heck, I've gone as far as writing a list of rules for myself and pasting it on the bathroom mirror. Extreme self discipline is required here. And, lead yourself NOT into temptation. Just as I don't go into certain stores because I might spend too much money, I also stay clear of certain men so I don't cross any taboo lines.
The "Experts" often speak of what us "Bipolars" do when manic. Today I want to touch on several of those Bipolar Traits that I have learned to curb. I have done this by taking every step possible to avoid temptation. Because even though I take my meds, I still get those bipolor urges.
-Spending sprees
-Abuse of drugs
-Promiscuity
Bipolar Spending Sprees- When I'm feeling good, I just love to spend money. I'm happy and I feel like I deserve it. I've got plastic, now lets go shopping! Or Not. I've learned to curb the spending in two ways. I try to stay out of stores. And, when I must go into a store, I bring cash. Plastic is locked away. One time I went as far to take my credit card, wrap it in some freezer wrap, and to freeze it into a big chunk of ice. Sometimes I looked at that big old ice cube, and though about how I could get to the credit card, but it was pretty well safe there. When I feel that I absolutely MUST go on a spending spree, I take 20 dollars, and run over to the dollar store. Somehow that can be just as satisfying as spending thousands.
Abuse of Drugs- My number one piece of advice on this is, chose your friends wisely. "Friends" often become the supplier. But if you get caught in this (as I did), I highly recommend a 12 step program such as AA. Trade one addiction for another, and one group of "friends" for another.
Promiscuity- Promiscuity can be the most difficult of all to control. Set boundaries for yourself, and stick to them. Heck, I've gone as far as writing a list of rules for myself and pasting it on the bathroom mirror. Extreme self discipline is required here. And, lead yourself NOT into temptation. Just as I don't go into certain stores because I might spend too much money, I also stay clear of certain men so I don't cross any taboo lines.
I Can't Get Health Insurance Because I am Bipolar!
Because I am bipolar, I can't get private health insurance. How wrong is that? Now my friend, who smokes 2 packs of ciggys a day can get private health insurance, but I can't. I, like many other Americans, would like to have health insurance to protect me in case I ever get really sick.
I have spoken with many insurance agents, and the answer is the same- I will get denied due to my bipolar.
One insurance agent I consulted with was very persistent in his attempt to get me insurance. He tried every trick-of-the-trade known in the health insurance kingdom. Thinking outloud, he said to me, "Maybe we can just not say you are bipolar". But upon his further research, he learned that my medication history gives me away. I could not lie, even if I wanted to. I learned from him that Health insurance companies can actually get information about every med you have even been prescribed! I have taken a lot of meds for bipolar- but the LITHIUM I took many years ago was the true red flag. Other bipolar meds can also be used for things such as headaches, seizures, etc.
I suggested that MAYBE I could still get insurance, and just exclude my bipolar illness as a preexisting illness. No Cigar. I said to the insurance guru, "just exclude the cost of meds, and psy visits". What a great idea he thought, but he learned that wasn't the possible either.
Although no insurance agent would tell me the reason they will not cover bipolar, I believe it is due to the high risk of suicide in bipolars. Many studies indicate a 15% rate of suicide amongst individuals with bipolar disorder. This rate is about 30 times higher than than that of the general population.
The most ironic thing is that I qualify for Life Insurance! Image that.
Has anyone figured out how to get private health insurance when you are bipolar? I live in Florida.
I have spoken with many insurance agents, and the answer is the same- I will get denied due to my bipolar.
One insurance agent I consulted with was very persistent in his attempt to get me insurance. He tried every trick-of-the-trade known in the health insurance kingdom. Thinking outloud, he said to me, "Maybe we can just not say you are bipolar". But upon his further research, he learned that my medication history gives me away. I could not lie, even if I wanted to. I learned from him that Health insurance companies can actually get information about every med you have even been prescribed! I have taken a lot of meds for bipolar- but the LITHIUM I took many years ago was the true red flag. Other bipolar meds can also be used for things such as headaches, seizures, etc.
I suggested that MAYBE I could still get insurance, and just exclude my bipolar illness as a preexisting illness. No Cigar. I said to the insurance guru, "just exclude the cost of meds, and psy visits". What a great idea he thought, but he learned that wasn't the possible either.
Although no insurance agent would tell me the reason they will not cover bipolar, I believe it is due to the high risk of suicide in bipolars. Many studies indicate a 15% rate of suicide amongst individuals with bipolar disorder. This rate is about 30 times higher than than that of the general population.
The most ironic thing is that I qualify for Life Insurance! Image that.
Has anyone figured out how to get private health insurance when you are bipolar? I live in Florida.
The "Bipolar Meltdown", Yes, I Still Have Them
About 5 or 6 times a year, I have what I now refer to as a "Bipolar Meltdown". I basically act like an out of control 2 year old and go on a rant. I've learned to accept this as part of who I am. I also teach loved ones and family members to identify this behavior, and help them learn how to deal with it.
My husband is the target of these "Bipolar Meltdowns". Not because I hate him, but because I love him and trust him. He is safe. My husband is as stable as a man can be, and I am blessed to have him. I have taught him to learn when it is me talking and when it's the bipolar talking.
Here is a short narrative of how one of these "Bipolar Meltdowns" sound. "I hate you! I hate everything. My life sucks. I hate my job! I just can't do it anymore! Leave me alone. It's all your fault! I have no friends. Nobody loves me. I give up!" I cry, I yell, I make threats. It's absolutely horrid. But, when it is over, I feel better, and I am "human" again.
I have learned (by trial and error) that it is very, very important NOT to have these meltdowns at work.
I know it isn't fair to put anyone through this. But, it is a choice that those that have come to love me have to make. 99 percent of the time I am a rational, intelligent, sweet, compassionate, hard-working, loving woman.
Look, I know "Normal" women who act like this 5 days per month- they call it PMS, and it is acceptable in this society. I also know "Normal" people who have crap personalities. They are just no fun to be around, hateful, and miserable people. They are crappy all the time. So, I have learned to forgive myself, and accept my shortcomings.
My Psy doctor (I can only afford a nurse practitioner) has long since tried to fix me. She thinks we can keep tweaking my meds until I am all better. Wake up doc! This is as good as it gets. That is, until medical science can find better treatment.
My doc could probably give me the meds to prevent these "Bipolar Meltodowns" and believe me she has tried. I am the ultimate guini pig to her. However, ten years into this I refuse to take medications that make me feel flat-line, or that make me drool, that make me gain 40 lbs, or that make me sleep 15 hours per day.
Although I am not perfect, I still consider myself successful. I have a job that pays all my bills, friends and family who love me, and for the most part I am happy.
If you know someone who is Bipolar, please forgive them when they have a meltdown. They really don't mean what they say.
My husband is the target of these "Bipolar Meltdowns". Not because I hate him, but because I love him and trust him. He is safe. My husband is as stable as a man can be, and I am blessed to have him. I have taught him to learn when it is me talking and when it's the bipolar talking.
Here is a short narrative of how one of these "Bipolar Meltdowns" sound. "I hate you! I hate everything. My life sucks. I hate my job! I just can't do it anymore! Leave me alone. It's all your fault! I have no friends. Nobody loves me. I give up!" I cry, I yell, I make threats. It's absolutely horrid. But, when it is over, I feel better, and I am "human" again.
I have learned (by trial and error) that it is very, very important NOT to have these meltdowns at work.
I know it isn't fair to put anyone through this. But, it is a choice that those that have come to love me have to make. 99 percent of the time I am a rational, intelligent, sweet, compassionate, hard-working, loving woman.
Look, I know "Normal" women who act like this 5 days per month- they call it PMS, and it is acceptable in this society. I also know "Normal" people who have crap personalities. They are just no fun to be around, hateful, and miserable people. They are crappy all the time. So, I have learned to forgive myself, and accept my shortcomings.
My Psy doctor (I can only afford a nurse practitioner) has long since tried to fix me. She thinks we can keep tweaking my meds until I am all better. Wake up doc! This is as good as it gets. That is, until medical science can find better treatment.
My doc could probably give me the meds to prevent these "Bipolar Meltodowns" and believe me she has tried. I am the ultimate guini pig to her. However, ten years into this I refuse to take medications that make me feel flat-line, or that make me drool, that make me gain 40 lbs, or that make me sleep 15 hours per day.
Although I am not perfect, I still consider myself successful. I have a job that pays all my bills, friends and family who love me, and for the most part I am happy.
If you know someone who is Bipolar, please forgive them when they have a meltdown. They really don't mean what they say.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Bipolar Personality
Do bipolars share a common personality?
I took the Myers-Briggs Typology (Personality) Test nearly 20 years ago in a Psychology class. I learned I was an ENFJ, and was given a print out - personality profile. Not only was it Erie then to read a very accurate profile of myself, a profile more accurate than I could write myself, but it was even more Erie to learn that the test's predictions of what I would be like in Mid Life were true.
The personality test predicted that I would develop a passion for art, cooking, and nature. Twenty years ago, this prediction was laughable. I was the young, wild, party-girl. However, I am now finding a passion for these things.
I found the printout of the personality quiz that I had taken 20 years ago. I really wasn't sure what the quiz was called , or if it was something still used. I googled ENFJ which was printed on top of the quiz, and found loads of information about this personality profile. I am almost certain that it was the Myers-Briggs.
You can take the Myers- Briggs quiz- Free and no sign up- at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
It is 72 multiple choice questions.
I took the Myers- Briggs quiz again today and learned that I am no longer an ENFJ but now I am an INFJ. In other words, my personality is very similar to what it was 20 years ago. However, I is for Introvert and E is for Extrovert. Twenty years has turned me and Extrovert to an Introvert. (Oh, and I also had a good friend take the test, and she is also an INFJ. What are the odds? According to the information, 1 percent that I could be an INFJ.. So what are the odds that my good friend would also be?)
I am not sure if a study has every been done on personality and mental illness. It would be interesting to know if bipolars share a certain personality profile. Perhaps a way to predict mental illness?
I think computers have the potential to solve many mysteries of the human mind. Ah, if Jung only had the use of the computer. What we might just know now.
I took the Myers-Briggs Typology (Personality) Test nearly 20 years ago in a Psychology class. I learned I was an ENFJ, and was given a print out - personality profile. Not only was it Erie then to read a very accurate profile of myself, a profile more accurate than I could write myself, but it was even more Erie to learn that the test's predictions of what I would be like in Mid Life were true.
The personality test predicted that I would develop a passion for art, cooking, and nature. Twenty years ago, this prediction was laughable. I was the young, wild, party-girl. However, I am now finding a passion for these things.
I found the printout of the personality quiz that I had taken 20 years ago. I really wasn't sure what the quiz was called , or if it was something still used. I googled ENFJ which was printed on top of the quiz, and found loads of information about this personality profile. I am almost certain that it was the Myers-Briggs.
You can take the Myers- Briggs quiz- Free and no sign up- at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
It is 72 multiple choice questions.
I took the Myers- Briggs quiz again today and learned that I am no longer an ENFJ but now I am an INFJ. In other words, my personality is very similar to what it was 20 years ago. However, I is for Introvert and E is for Extrovert. Twenty years has turned me and Extrovert to an Introvert. (Oh, and I also had a good friend take the test, and she is also an INFJ. What are the odds? According to the information, 1 percent that I could be an INFJ.. So what are the odds that my good friend would also be?)
I am not sure if a study has every been done on personality and mental illness. It would be interesting to know if bipolars share a certain personality profile. Perhaps a way to predict mental illness?
I think computers have the potential to solve many mysteries of the human mind. Ah, if Jung only had the use of the computer. What we might just know now.
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