Saturday, October 24, 2009

Bipolars, We Don't Always Take Our Medication

Us bipolars don't always take our medications. This is, perhaps, the most frustrating quality about us. Those who love us, and those who try to fix us, just can't stand it. If we know that we will be "better" if we take our meds, then why don't we just take them? Easy Answer-because a medicated life is boring for us bipolars, and we are addicted to the highs and sometimes even the lows. Bipolar medications are not fun to take, the side effects are a huge drag, and when we start taking medications we don't know who we are anymore.

That said, I take Lamictal daily for my bipolar. Without Lamictal, I would not be able to function on most days. Had I not accepted my fate as the ultimate psychiatric guinea pig, I would be worse off. Bipolar drugs tend to make you gain weight, make you feel exhausted, and take the joy out of your life, until you find one that works. For me, my match was Lamictal. For you, it will probably be something else.

Before I started taking medication for my Bipolar, I was an avid writer and poet. You will learn that our most famous artists had one mental illness or another. As soon as I started taking my medication, I lost my ability to write. I also lost my sex drive, gained 40 pounds, and slept all the time. I could accept everything else, but not the loss of my creative spirit. So, I skipped a pill here and there. Then went off my medications for a week or two. This pattern of medication non-compliance lasted for years. Even with my "match", Lamictal, I still can't say that I am 100 percent compliant. I need to be.

I have many memories of my former self. Most bad, but many good. Sometimes I will come across a picture of my former self, smiling so brightly, and miss that girl so badly. Still, there are other images, mostly in my mind, where life was not so good.

I relate closely with the addict, or the alcoholic that thinks he can have "just one". I understand. The addicts have a twelve step program, and maybe we need one too. In fact, I went to several AA meetings, just to understand addiction. Most helpful is the AA step to take an honest and thorough Moral Inventory of yourself. The most difficult, is to begin to make amends.

So yes, it will be difficult at first. You will have to reinvent yourself. In the end, you will be a successful bipolar, and will learn to live a happy and fullfilling life. Don't give up; keep working with your doctor, your friends, and your family.

9 comments:

marco Dante said...

There are no easy answers, are there? I have done the trial and error thing myself, for YEARS. Came off of Lithium because it syphoned off my creativity (writing) and cold-turkeyed Lamictal because it made me suicidal. I am glad to know that Lamictal is working for you, even though you still feel compromised by it. There are always trade-offs with meds. For now, since I'm no worse off (or better, really) without meds, I think I'll try that path a bit longer.
Be well, Marco
http://bipolarized.wordpress.com

Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

Hi Marco,
No, there really are not any easy answers.
I constantly research it, hoping for the miracle cure.
After years of trial and error, I believe there are more pros than cons when I take my medication.
But, no two bipolars are built the same. There are many other therapies out there, the trick is finding what works for you.

Wendy Love said...

This is an excellent description of the bipolar experience. I agree with all of your observations and have experienced most of the stuff you have talked about. But you are right, we mustn't give up! Thanks for your honesty!

Anonymous said...

There are no easy answers! Was just talking with my spouse this morning about how during some cycles the meds. "work" but at other times... they definitely do not! We try to be creative and roll with the punches.

Unknown said...

Hi,

You are receiving this email based on the value I feel your website and the services you offer from your website holds. As the Chief Editor for Counselor.org I continually strive to find the best resources I feel are relevant to what we offer (FREE information), and make sure these resources are available to my users as well. I would like to commend you for the work you have put into your website and offer you the possibility of being included as a Featured Resource on Counselor.org. Please understand this is done for two reasons: First and Foremost I feel your website would offer an excellent service to my viewing public and would be a great addition to what is commonly considered one of the larger counseling informational databases online. Secondly, I see a ton of value in your website and would be pleased to have some exposure on your website as well. Please understand this offer is not given to many and will not be revisited in the future. I have included our Counseling Network Resources for your review, I can send the code to you at your request. Please reply with your relevant "Link" information and site description, as always I welcome all questions or thoughts, Thank you for the time it has taken to read this.

Thank You,
Samantha Burner
Counselor.org

Unknown said...

I'm not entirely sure if the highs and the lows are addictive. The swinging between the two can be downright crippling. What I do know is that between the bad, the good, and the too good there's always memories from each.

When my head seems collective, I often wonder how moods go so high or low. While on medication everything is bland. For depression and mania it's fine because family and friends can tolerate me more in my mind's eye. Nonetheless, collective days are watered down. Those are the days I can get the most done, but can't because everything feels blank.

Personally, this is the biggest reason I skip medication. The good days are too good to give up because that's when creativeness and the rewards come.

MiMi said...

I came across your blog while doing some research for a paper for school (Im a 4th year medical student) about bipolar disease, and this was by way the best thing to make me realize how hard it is to cope with this disorder. I can't explain it really well, but I was just about to finish my writings when I saw your blog, and now I feel I have so much more to write, it's really different to see a real person other than read all the info that's out there.

Thank you for sharing all of these, i dont know how it is in the US, but here, people don't get a job if they say they're bipolar.

Catarina, Porto, Portugal
(sorry for the silly nickname but i've created the blogger account many years ago while i was still in high school)

Amy said...

Mimi,
Thanks for your comments, and thanks for taking the time to read my blog.
In the US there is some protection again discrimination, such as The Americans with Disabilities Act.
I have been living with bipolar for most of my life and I still don't completly understand it.
I love the fact that even after your paper has been written, you are still interested in learning more!