Bipolar, You Can't Control Everything

Bipolar is a serious illness, and managing it takes quite a lot of effort and control. We try to control our sleeping patterns, our work schedules, the things we eat, the times we take our medications, and so on. And often times it works, our efforts to control our world keep us sane. By controlling our world, we avoid our triggers. It's when we find ourselves in a situation that we can not control that we don't know what to do.

Take for example job loss. Job loss is a very difficult situation for the average person, but a person with bipolar often assumes it's a personal failure; the end of success. When we face something that makes us feel as uncomfortable as this, we become even more structured and vow to make sure it never happens again. Hopefully, this will take a positive direction, such as going back to school.

There will always be things that we cannot control, and these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress. If we want to be bipolar and successful, we have no choice but to make a reasonable effort to control our environment. Yet at the same time, we need to be tolerant towards the things we can not control, particularly the desires and actions of other people. We can influence many things, but some things are simply beyond our control. We can't control people and we cant' change the past.

Lack of Psychiatrists and Bipolar

Had it of been easier to find a good Psychiatrist, I would probably still have a job. The anxiety and depression got the best of me a few months ago, and I couldn't cope with things like long hours, increased workload, and a negative boss. It affected my work performance and I was strongly persuaded to pack up my things. (Which by the way, I learned that if you give into these tactics, you don't get unemployment) These are things that most people can cope with, but for people with bipolar, it's pretty hard. I've been off for about four months now, and in all honestly, my time has been spent either moping around or jumping from one little project to the next. I'm not homeless yet because I have a supportive husband who has picked up the slack. You are probably thinking, so what's successful about that? It isn't, but even the best of us find outselves here from time to time. I've moped for about 4 months, and I'm ready to put myself out there again and find another job.

I knew this was coming. I knew I was going to have a breakdown, and I even told my Psychiatrist about it. I was like a ticking time bomb. She really didn't care, and told me that I do this to myself, as she handed me the same old script. I called around to other Psychiatrists in my area, but nobody was taking new patients. I talked to my husband, but he didn't know what to do either. Eventually I landed myself in a meeting with the top dogs of the company, and walked out crying like a baby. I know, how successful is that? I felt better when I got onto my favorite bipolar chatroom- http://www.bipolarworld.net/Community/webchat.html - and asked if anyone else had a meltdown at work. I got quite a bit of support there, and heard some job loss stories, some that made me chuckel. It's good to know that you are not alone.

Still, it's quite a shame that it had to come to this. I truely believe that this could of went another way. Had I been thinking clearly, I might have asked to go part time. I might have asked for a family medical leave. I might have been able to do something to keep my job.

Just this week, I got some relief in the most unlikely place- a walk in clinic. The doctor prescribed me a very small dose of Xanax 0.25 mg that she suggested I take before going places I would otherwise avoid- like a job interview. This has been controlling my social anxiety, and I've only taken 2 this week. She warned me about the potential risks of addiction, and she asked me to come back in two weeks to discuss a more long range treatment plan such as adding Buspar or and SSRI.

There are still some questions I have:
1. How do you get affordable Psychiatric care when you don't have insurance?
2. What is the best treatment for disabling social anxiety that comes and goes?
3. How do you find a good Psychiatrist who is actually taking new clients?