Bipolars, We Don't Always Take Our Medication

Us bipolars don't always take our medications. This is, perhaps, the most frustrating quality about us. Those who love us, and those who try to fix us, just can't stand it. If we know that we will be "better" if we take our meds, then why don't we just take them? Easy Answer-because a medicated life is boring for us bipolars, and we are addicted to the highs and sometimes even the lows. Bipolar medications are not fun to take, the side effects are a huge drag, and when we start taking medications we don't know who we are anymore.

That said, I take Lamictal daily for my bipolar. Without Lamictal, I would not be able to function on most days. Had I not accepted my fate as the ultimate psychiatric guinea pig, I would be worse off. Bipolar drugs tend to make you gain weight, make you feel exhausted, and take the joy out of your life, until you find one that works. For me, my match was Lamictal. For you, it will probably be something else.

Before I started taking medication for my Bipolar, I was an avid writer and poet. You will learn that our most famous artists had one mental illness or another. As soon as I started taking my medication, I lost my ability to write. I also lost my sex drive, gained 40 pounds, and slept all the time. I could accept everything else, but not the loss of my creative spirit. So, I skipped a pill here and there. Then went off my medications for a week or two. This pattern of medication non-compliance lasted for years. Even with my "match", Lamictal, I still can't say that I am 100 percent compliant. I need to be.

I have many memories of my former self. Most bad, but many good. Sometimes I will come across a picture of my former self, smiling so brightly, and miss that girl so badly. Still, there are other images, mostly in my mind, where life was not so good.

I relate closely with the addict, or the alcoholic that thinks he can have "just one". I understand. The addicts have a twelve step program, and maybe we need one too. In fact, I went to several AA meetings, just to understand addiction. Most helpful is the AA step to take an honest and thorough Moral Inventory of yourself. The most difficult, is to begin to make amends.

So yes, it will be difficult at first. You will have to reinvent yourself. In the end, you will be a successful bipolar, and will learn to live a happy and fullfilling life. Don't give up; keep working with your doctor, your friends, and your family.

Ideas Girl

My husband calls me "Ideas Girl". My psychiatrist calls it "Flight of Ideas," a symptom of my bipolar. I prefer the title "Ideas Girl", and I kinda like it.

I am blessed to have a husband who listens to my ramblings, and steals them from me to make a good buck. It improves our quality of living, and I also feel great pride because I was a part of this. He is able to filter out the good ideas from the bad ones. I start projects, but rarely finish them. I have a hundred projects going on at once, he picks 5 or 10 of these projects and finishes them for me.

You see, I am creative, and my husband is diligent. My high school math teacher tried to teach me diligence by making me write its definition 100 times. I still remember it word-for-word. Diligence: A constant, earnest effort to achieve a task undertaken.
Needless to say, this was not the cure.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. The key to success is to embrace your strengths- your abilities- and to find accommodations that will allow you to proceed despite your shortcomings.

The love / hate relationship with life

Of the many dilemmas of bipolar, perhaps the most difficult of all, is the love/hate relationship with life. There are days when we don't value life, days when we don't enjoy it, and sometimes we even consider ending it. In depression, darkness surrounds us; pain stabs us through the heart. In mania, there are moments when we embrace every second, as if it were our last, and we love life like we never thought was possible. The colors become so beautiful, circles of light embrace the soul. Yes, we have good days and bad days, like nobody else. The intensity of what we feel is indescribable and unpredictable.

To love life so intensly one moment, and to despise it so greatly the next, can bring about feelings of guilt and shame. How do we keep the color in our life? Medications can numb us and make our world turn grey. Our environment can trigger us into mania or depression. After fighting this battle for years, charting our mood - not too high, not too low - we become afraid to feel at all. We struggle, wondering if our feelings are appropriate for the situation.

They say that people who have cheated death learn to love life in a whole new way. Major depression feels so much like death, and I have come out of it a hundred times. Every time I concour depression, the colors come back and I love life more than ever.

Bipolar Tomatoes

This year I decided to start a garden. Since I don't have any gardening experience, I decided to start with just a few tomato and green pepper plants. The green peppers never really had a chance, and died within weeks. The tomatoes, however, thrived despite my unpredictable attention to them. Eventually, the tomatoes had to be removed, for reasons obvious to my neighbors- they became humongous and unruly; my fault completely.

Bipolar disorder causes shifts in a person's mood and energy. Lack of follow through in projects is common. The trick to being bipolar and successful is to know which projects you can take on that will not be affected by your down time. Projects that can be attended to when energy and motivation are high, and then neglected later when energy is low are best.

Had I spent more time with my tomatoes, they would have been prettier and probably would have produced more. I still got dozens of tomatoes, which tasted far better than any you can buy in a store. Creative energy well spent.

You might wonder why the tomatoes were planted in front of the house, where the flower bed should have been. Had they been planted in the back of the house, where a garden is supposed to grow, they would have died; I would have forgotten about them altogether. The green peppers were planted in the back of the house.

Limit Contact With Negative People

Today's advice, for my beloved bipolar friends, is this, "Limit time spent with negative people."
This may sound like cruel advice, especially since we are not always a slice of cherry pie, but it's good advice.

Some people are not affected by people or their problems. They are able to keep clear boundaries between their own emotions and the emotions of others. Us bipolars are not always so fortunate. We tend to be extremely sensitive to the words and actions of others. Our moods are "Iffy" enough, and we must protect ourselves from energy vampires. We can not afford to let others bring us down; we are good enough at doing that ourselves.

On the flip side, surround yourself with happy people. But not only happy people, but also people who seem to have no mood fluctuations at all, people who are so stable they almost bore you to tears. You very well might find one of these super stable friends right by your side to pull you out of your darkest moments. You might learn that they are not so boring after all, but really the best friend you've ever had.

Don't feel too guilty about deserting your cranky and negative friends. I've learned that this type of person enjoys feeling bad. It is a comfort level. Try as you might, you can not change these people. Although they will be there for you when you are depressed, it is not worth it because you will anger them when you are happy.

Not Every Day Will Be A Good Day

In my quest for stability, I sometimes forget, that not every day will be a good day.
I didn't know that I had bipolar disorder until I was in my twenties. Years of emotional ups and downs have taught me to fear the downs.

The dilemma we face is control. We are as much terrified by happiness, as we are by sadness. But, we try much harder to stop the sadness. With bipolar, we can not predict how far our mood will fall off course, and that is a very, very frightening realization.

Those of us who are successful and bipolar, are only successful because we continue to play an active role in our treatment. Bipolar disorder never goes away. For the most part you can control it, but it is with you every second of every day.

I cope with my bipolar first with medications, next with understanding the disorder, then with self knowledge, and last with help from others - such as friends, family, and my therapist. Every successful bipolar has their own preferred method to control the madness.

My so-called normal friends yell, cry, lash out, and complain- all seemingly with no remorse. I,however, try ridiculously hard to smother any negative emotions- perhaps too hard.

I admit tonight I'm feeling blue, but tonight I need to let myself embrace the sadness.

Have A "NO" Day, Bipolar or Not

Once upon a time, I sold my soul to the word "Yes". Perhaps it was low self esteem, or making up for my mental health shortcomings, but I always seemed to say "Ok".

And then one day, I decided to say "No", and to say it all day long. I told everyone I was having a "NO" Day. I pranced around as if in a comedy-like skit, and in the fashion of a 2 year old, smiled and said "No". Ah! what a wonderful day that was. So wonderful in fact, that "NO!" is now my favorite word.

Saying "No" feels so good that I don't even make up excuses anymore.
Saying "No" gives me the time and energy to do what I need to do, and what I want to do.

Since I learned the word no, most of those energy-sucking leaches who once claimed to be my friends have vanished. In their place is now a wonderful husband, a few good woman, family, and my cat.

"NO," I can't lend you twenty bucks. "No," I can't watch your kids. "No," I can't find out for you..." Sorry.

Stop feeling guilty about saying "No." When you stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off, trying to DO for everyone else, you will discover who really needs your help. And guess what, you will have the time and energy to do the things you need to do.