Have A "NO" Day, Bipolar or Not

Once upon a time, I sold my soul to the word "Yes". Perhaps it was low self esteem, or making up for my mental health shortcomings, but I always seemed to say "Ok".

And then one day, I decided to say "No", and to say it all day long. I told everyone I was having a "NO" Day. I pranced around as if in a comedy-like skit, and in the fashion of a 2 year old, smiled and said "No". Ah! what a wonderful day that was. So wonderful in fact, that "NO!" is now my favorite word.

Saying "No" feels so good that I don't even make up excuses anymore.
Saying "No" gives me the time and energy to do what I need to do, and what I want to do.

Since I learned the word no, most of those energy-sucking leaches who once claimed to be my friends have vanished. In their place is now a wonderful husband, a few good woman, family, and my cat.

"NO," I can't lend you twenty bucks. "No," I can't watch your kids. "No," I can't find out for you..." Sorry.

Stop feeling guilty about saying "No." When you stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off, trying to DO for everyone else, you will discover who really needs your help. And guess what, you will have the time and energy to do the things you need to do.

Bipolars Need Not Apply

I recently found myself behind a man's desk, filling out employment papers that stumped me and angered me at the same time.

"Do You Have Any History of Mental Illness?", the application said.

I looked up from the application, and said, "I didn't think they could ask you this". He glanced at me, did a once over, and shrugged his shoulders. Apparently I didn't look like I was mentally ill, so he was not concerned.

I sat there a few seconds more just thinking, stumped- then I said, "I do have a history of mental illness. What should I write?".

He looked shocked. How could this intelligent, well groomed, young woman be mental, he must have been thinking. "Well, you are not schizophrenic or bipolar are you?" he asked. I lied, and said that it was "only" major depression that I "once" suffered from. He let out a sigh of relief and advised me to lie on the papers.

I put the papers in my bag, and told him I'd get them back to him in the morning. I brought those papers home and pondered that question half the night.

The bottom line is that I AM bipolar in every sense of it's definition. And, no, I am not "mildly bipolar" or "cured", etc. etc. Right now I am doing pretty well, but life with bipolar is not always as you hope.

I never did finish that application, I decided to hold onto the safe job I have, at least for now.

Bipolar, Controling Anger

Once upon a time, I decided that I would never "Lose It" again.
I would never get angry, "go off", or say things I didn't mean.
I was experienced enough with my attempts at this to know that drugs, alcohol, pills, etc were not the answer. I decided that the answer to all of life's problems was a nap.

At that time, I was dating a man who had this very special way of making me angry. The anger he invoked in me I simply transformed into long naps. I couldn't have learned this "skill" without him. Napping for me was the perfect solution to all life's problems, I love to sleep.

Several dozen agreements (and naps) later, I found something strange begin to happen to me. The brain is curious thing. When I got upset and my heart began to pound, I would all of a sudden get this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. It was no longer a choice, when I was mad, I HAD to nap. I had somehow conditioned myself, similar to what Pavlov did to his dogs.

Remember Pavlov?
Bell Rings as Dog Sees Food = Dog Drools.
and soon, just ring the bell and dog drools.

Then there was me
Boyfriend yells as I envision bed = I'm tired.
Soon boyfriend yells and I'm tired.
and even stranger, any trigger that makes me angry, and I'm tired.

Moral of the story, this it is not a good idea to nap every time you get angry. It took many years to break myself of this conditioning. I had to learn to accept that anger is an OK emotion, and find proper ways to display it.

Where is that Bipolar Chick?

No, I didn't drop off the face of the earth. Those darn fluctuations of energy hit me again. Sleeping 10-12 hours a day, doesn't leave time for much. I've been focusing on the essentials in life- work, bathing, eating, and sleep.

I really had intended to blog every day, but the bipolar zapped my energy levels again.
The beauty of Bipolar is that What Goes Down, Eventually Flies Back Up!

But, my blogger friends, I will be back. Soon the creative juices will flow again. More Bipolar adventures soon to come. Stay tuned.

What IS Bipolar Success?

The definition of success varies from person to person. Too many people think success is just about making money. My definition of success is "Be all you WANT to be" and to "Keep going, despite every obstacle".

I consider myself to be successful despite my bipolar. I am not a doctor or a lawyer. I do not have a sizable bank account. But, I am happy and I get by. In fact, I get by quite well.

My cousin is a lawyer, and he considers himself to be a failure. He doesn't earn "enough" money he tells me. He thinks I'm silly when I tell him to count his blessings. My cousin does not suffer from any mental illness, he is just a little greedy. He is chasing the dollar, what a waste. I consider myself to be more successful than he.

Bipolar has taught me to count my blessings. Every moment matters. Bipolar has taught me compassion, patience, and hope. Bipolar has made me a better person.

I'm JUST Bipolar

I have been seeing the same Psy Doc for almost ten years now. It's comical to me to see that she still doesn't get me. I drive her nuts.

Over the years, she has tried so hard to fix me. She first diagnosed me with depression. She gave me some Celexa, and WoW did that stuff make me fly. If she was worth her salt, she would have known from week 1 that I was "Just Bipolar". After just the first dose of Celexa I called her the next day in a panic, "Help! My heart is racing, my pupils are dilated, and I can't stop pacing. I think I am going to jump out of my skin!" I told her. She calmly told me to "just take a half a pill tomorrow". And that was that.

I took that Celexa for a year or two, and it was a very happy year. Looking back, it was a year of hypomania/mania. Of course the inevitable happened, I crashed and went into a major depression.

Even after that little "oops" on her part, she still didn't get it. Over the years, she has diagnosed me OCD, ADD, ADHD, and a few other things, and given me the drugs to treat them. Du, Doc- I am JUST Bipolar.

Lucky for me, I am smart. I do a lot of my own research, and I just won't take a drug combination that turns me into a zombie.

Bipolars Get Great Jobs

Bipolars are often able to land some excellent jobs. If you work for an average size company, chances are you work with at least one bipolar. He or she is probably that super creative person who just won't stay put in their cubical (and sometimes hides in it).

The problem with us bipolars, is that some of us are as good at losing jobs as we are at landing them. And yes, although I am successful, I have burned a few bridges in the ole' career journey. The older I get, the longer I am able to keep my jobs. I usually put myself on a two-year contract.

I have NEVER been fired (yet!!). But, I have been "Almost Fired". The trick for me is knowing when to let go. Personal Relationships are most often the reason for my job-hopping. But, The worst boss I ever had was myself (I was self- employed).

However, I do not despair. I am smart, and there is always another job just around the corner. I land wonderful jobs, and make wonderful contributions. I always leave a company knowing that I have done some very wonderful things, and that I gave my heart and sole.

"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm" - Winston Churchill