To have or not to have children when you are bipolar, that is the question. I get the most amazing and thoughtful comments on this blog, and here is one that really hit home, since my own biological clock is at the buzzer. My reader wrote, "My boyfriend is bipolar. He thinks the stress of children will be too much for him and that he won't be a very good parent. I just wish there were bipolar parents he could speak to. I know he would be an amazing father, and it saddens me that we may not have the family we dreamed of." Considering how much this reader wants children, I hope they really consider it. People who want children make super parents.
I don't have any children, and I worry that someday I will regret that. For me, It's just as much a personality issue as it is a bipolar issue. I'm not as interested in children as I "should" be. I don't have that maternal instinct that I "should" have. I always thought I would outgrow that, but I never really have.
My experience leads me to believe that people with bipolar can be the very best or the very worst of parents. When the children are wanted, and the support system is strong, people with bipolar are often the most amazing parents. It's when the children were never really wanted, and/or the bipolar parent doesn't have the tools (support system, medications, desire) to cope, that parenting can turn into a disaster.
My grandfather was almost certainly bipolar, and he made some mistakes that left deep scars on his children. He was raising his ten children in the 50's and 60's and the medications and treatments that are available today were not available to him. He self medicated with alcohol, probably the worst way he could treat his bipolar. That said, most of his children are happy and doing very well today. About half struggle with bipolar or depression or varying seriousness, but most are doing well. He probably could have been a great father, but he was not. I blame alcohol, not bipolar.
There are some risks for people with bipolar when having children.. The most significant that comes to mind is the risk of passing bipolar on to offspring, which may or may not be a terrible thing- it depends on how you look at it. The other is the risk of a serious manic or depressive episode if the mother has to adjust medications while pregnant.
So, to have or not to have children when bipolar? I think if you want children you should most certainly have them. If you are worried about the
chance of passing on bipolar to your child, you can adopt. If you take care of yourself and have a strong support system, the odds are with you to be the most amazing parent. Don't rule out children just because you are bipolar. They just might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
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9 comments:
I feel you on this topic...people should have kids if they want them rather they be Bipolar or not.
My father had bipolar, passed it onto me and he had three children!
When my husband and I had our 2 children I did not know I had bipolar, I knew I had the ups and downs. It was alot easier when they were babies. Now they are 8 and 4 and it very hard at times. I do find myself going off on them for stupid things. My husband and I work with a therapist and he helps us a lot. If there is a time where either one of us is being too harsh or out of control we have a code word we use so the kids don't know. But those days are few and far between. Knowing that they love us unconditionally is so worth it. Playing with them watching their faces on Christmas morning, how innocent they are and how resilient they are. I would never change it for the world. The I love you's, hugs, kisses and playing with them is truly the best. In our family we have role reversals, I work and my husband is a stay at home dad. It works out really well.
I am a human being, a woman with a bipolar disorder. I want children and me an my partner have discuss it. I've always support planning parenthood, wanting children... I agree with "In the Pink" comment. When you are bipolar and on meds you need to plan the pregnancy to be off the meds long enought so that the kids wouln't not suffer any misformation or disability. But in any case, alcoholism is past through genes too... It does not mean their children will be alcoholic, just that they will have more chances to be. The same with obesity and diabetes.
Now a days, bipolar disorders treated with the right medication means you can have a normal life, with the normal ups and downs that everybody has. Do not let these illness define who you are. You can be a 100% cured with the meds, just like diabetics.
I believe in LOVE and that is the only thing that matters. Love your children, love their father, love your self. Even "normal" parents struggle with these and get off on their children when they are stressed at work. So... the important thing for me... is wanting to have children and try to give your best with love and respecto for life.
I have two children and bi-polar. I would have liked to have had more children but low finances and worried family are too much negative stress. Stress is a big thing for bipolar and also sometimes having too many beliefs that don't make things easier. I get sick from time to time and was sick when the kids were born but I got better. I do a pretty good job but could do with a bit more 'rudder'. Teamwork is great for the bipolar.
How we go at the parenting game has as many variables as there are people and children, events, actions, thoughts, etc. bipolar can be a big deal or not.
amy's comments are brill
I didn't know I was bipolar until three years after my daughter was born, and although those were tough years, it was the support of my family and friends that helped me, but wanting to be the healthiest mom possible was the real motivator. My dad is bipolar/ocd/parkinsons/alcoholism (all completely under control now), so I worried about passing it on to my kids, too, but I thought: it's only a possibility, not a certainty, that the child will get it; he/she will have only 1/2 my genes; if he/she gets it, early detection and help are very helpful. She was not planned, but I have built a village to help (when I have a down weekend, she goes to Mom's, etc.). Just knowing you have something that needs to be monitored puts you lightyears ahead of people in denial or who self-medicate with who knows what, from tranquilizers to alcohol to victim mentality. Love rules. Having a lot of other role models in case you're not perfect (no one is) is good too--especially when the disorder makes you emotionally distant. I think our kids will be inspired by our strength to persevere, do whatever it takes to stay well, our devotion to them. My daughter's a healthy 8, though I still struggle.
I also really didn't want children. I never did like them. As a teenager, I never babysat children like all of my friends did. I knew then that I was "different". I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager. It wasn't until I was 25 that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am now 36. I discussed it with my husband (then boyfriend) if he wanted children, because I did not. And he agreed with me, he also did not want any children (he does have a daughter from a previous marriage that he gave up for adoption, but that's entirely another story). Anyway, I had a tubal ligation after we both agreed we did not want children. I do not regret that decision, because I know it's in my best interest, and the interest of a possible child (that will never be born). I will say that sometimes, I do feel that a part of me is missing. I get sad every now and then that I will never have the love of a child. But, again, it was the best choice for me. There is no way I could go through with a pregnancy and not be medicated. And I doubt if I wanted to adopt that I would be given a child because of my unstable history. I have 2 small dogs and they are my children and I love them so! I found your post interesting, because I do not see much said about this topic.
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