To have or not to have children when you are bipolar, that is the question. I get the most amazing and thoughtful comments on this blog, and here is one that really hit home, since my own biological clock is at the buzzer. My reader wrote, "My boyfriend is bipolar. He thinks the stress of children will be too much for him and that he won't be a very good parent. I just wish there were bipolar parents he could speak to. I know he would be an amazing father, and it saddens me that we may not have the family we dreamed of." Considering how much this reader wants children, I hope they really consider it. People who want children make super parents.
I don't have any children, and I worry that someday I will regret that. For me, It's just as much a personality issue as it is a bipolar issue. I'm not as interested in children as I "should" be. I don't have that maternal instinct that I "should" have. I always thought I would outgrow that, but I never really have.
My experience leads me to believe that people with bipolar can be the very best or the very worst of parents. When the children are wanted, and the support system is strong, people with bipolar are often the most amazing parents. It's when the children were never really wanted, and/or the bipolar parent doesn't have the tools (support system, medications, desire) to cope, that parenting can turn into a disaster.
My grandfather was almost certainly bipolar, and he made some mistakes that left deep scars on his children. He was raising his ten children in the 50's and 60's and the medications and treatments that are available today were not available to him. He self medicated with alcohol, probably the worst way he could treat his bipolar. That said, most of his children are happy and doing very well today. About half struggle with bipolar or depression or varying seriousness, but most are doing well. He probably could have been a great father, but he was not. I blame alcohol, not bipolar.
There are some risks for people with bipolar when having children.. The most significant that comes to mind is the risk of passing bipolar on to offspring, which may or may not be a terrible thing- it depends on how you look at it. The other is the risk of a serious manic or depressive episode if the mother has to adjust medications while pregnant.
So, to have or not to have children when bipolar? I think if you want children you should most certainly have them. If you are worried about the
chance of passing on bipolar to your child, you can adopt. If you take care of yourself and have a strong support system, the odds are with you to be the most amazing parent. Don't rule out children just because you are bipolar. They just might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
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49 comments:
I feel you on this topic...people should have kids if they want them rather they be Bipolar or not.
My father had bipolar, passed it onto me and he had three children!
When my husband and I had our 2 children I did not know I had bipolar, I knew I had the ups and downs. It was alot easier when they were babies. Now they are 8 and 4 and it very hard at times. I do find myself going off on them for stupid things. My husband and I work with a therapist and he helps us a lot. If there is a time where either one of us is being too harsh or out of control we have a code word we use so the kids don't know. But those days are few and far between. Knowing that they love us unconditionally is so worth it. Playing with them watching their faces on Christmas morning, how innocent they are and how resilient they are. I would never change it for the world. The I love you's, hugs, kisses and playing with them is truly the best. In our family we have role reversals, I work and my husband is a stay at home dad. It works out really well.
I am a human being, a woman with a bipolar disorder. I want children and me an my partner have discuss it. I've always support planning parenthood, wanting children... I agree with "In the Pink" comment. When you are bipolar and on meds you need to plan the pregnancy to be off the meds long enought so that the kids wouln't not suffer any misformation or disability. But in any case, alcoholism is past through genes too... It does not mean their children will be alcoholic, just that they will have more chances to be. The same with obesity and diabetes.
Now a days, bipolar disorders treated with the right medication means you can have a normal life, with the normal ups and downs that everybody has. Do not let these illness define who you are. You can be a 100% cured with the meds, just like diabetics.
I believe in LOVE and that is the only thing that matters. Love your children, love their father, love your self. Even "normal" parents struggle with these and get off on their children when they are stressed at work. So... the important thing for me... is wanting to have children and try to give your best with love and respecto for life.
I have two children and bi-polar. I would have liked to have had more children but low finances and worried family are too much negative stress. Stress is a big thing for bipolar and also sometimes having too many beliefs that don't make things easier. I get sick from time to time and was sick when the kids were born but I got better. I do a pretty good job but could do with a bit more 'rudder'. Teamwork is great for the bipolar.
How we go at the parenting game has as many variables as there are people and children, events, actions, thoughts, etc. bipolar can be a big deal or not.
amy's comments are brill
I didn't know I was bipolar until three years after my daughter was born, and although those were tough years, it was the support of my family and friends that helped me, but wanting to be the healthiest mom possible was the real motivator. My dad is bipolar/ocd/parkinsons/alcoholism (all completely under control now), so I worried about passing it on to my kids, too, but I thought: it's only a possibility, not a certainty, that the child will get it; he/she will have only 1/2 my genes; if he/she gets it, early detection and help are very helpful. She was not planned, but I have built a village to help (when I have a down weekend, she goes to Mom's, etc.). Just knowing you have something that needs to be monitored puts you lightyears ahead of people in denial or who self-medicate with who knows what, from tranquilizers to alcohol to victim mentality. Love rules. Having a lot of other role models in case you're not perfect (no one is) is good too--especially when the disorder makes you emotionally distant. I think our kids will be inspired by our strength to persevere, do whatever it takes to stay well, our devotion to them. My daughter's a healthy 8, though I still struggle.
I also really didn't want children. I never did like them. As a teenager, I never babysat children like all of my friends did. I knew then that I was "different". I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager. It wasn't until I was 25 that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am now 36. I discussed it with my husband (then boyfriend) if he wanted children, because I did not. And he agreed with me, he also did not want any children (he does have a daughter from a previous marriage that he gave up for adoption, but that's entirely another story). Anyway, I had a tubal ligation after we both agreed we did not want children. I do not regret that decision, because I know it's in my best interest, and the interest of a possible child (that will never be born). I will say that sometimes, I do feel that a part of me is missing. I get sad every now and then that I will never have the love of a child. But, again, it was the best choice for me. There is no way I could go through with a pregnancy and not be medicated. And I doubt if I wanted to adopt that I would be given a child because of my unstable history. I have 2 small dogs and they are my children and I love them so! I found your post interesting, because I do not see much said about this topic.
I have bipolar disorder and I have two beautiful children. I feel that bipolar should not stop you from doing whatever you want to do. When I decided to have my first child, I wanted to get my bipolar in control and I found a lot of help from http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba. I hope you do what makes you happy...I wish you all the best!
I just came across your blog and felt like I had to comment on this post. I have been Bipolar II for years and still have not found the right medications to feel under control. I have been extremely depressed most of my life and consider my life a daily struggle. There have been many moments where I wished that I would just die so I wouldn't have to be miserable anymore. I am flabbergasted that anyone would think it is acceptable to possibly pass on bipolar disorder by having children. I think that attitude is extremely selfish - to knowingly pass on the genetic disposition for bipolar?!? I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy! Whether you have bipolar or other illnesses you are giving your children or future children a life sentence - and you should be cognizant of that fact. The medications that may work for you may not necessarily work for your children; do you want them to be miserable? Do you want them to feel disgusted with themselves that they just can't "shake it off" like everyone thinks they should? To feel isolated when friends and loved ones just don't get how low they really feel?
Despite having achieved success through my work, I consider my life a failure. Despite my material comforts and success I feel unhappy and miserable all the time; I wear a mask to function, but inside the depression is consuming me. Please think very seriously before you decide to have children and sentence them to bipolar struggles needlessly.
Hi.
I know a couple parents afflicted with this disease. I think they make great parents, especially because all of them do everything within their power to treat it. Personally, I didn't ever want kids, which was a decision I made long before being diagnosed. I'd rather help the community & develop my career.
I was diagnosed as Bipolar II in 2000 but suffered from the symptoms for many years prior to diagnosis. My triplet boys will be turning four years old tomorrow and I have absolutely no regrets. I am on a low dose of Lithium and despite my fears and doubts have managed to still be a good stay at home Mom.
Raising triplets is VERY stressful but thanks to God, my love for my children and (for the past 3 months) Lithium we are doing quite well. As long as you are ever mindful and willing to seek help when needed, you can still be a good parent.
i'm am coming to terms that i might have bipolar disorder or some other problem that makes me dissassociate myself from those i should love and show apathy to someone i should feel for. i never, ever wanted children, i felt like from a very young age, they were amazing responsibilites that i could not commit to, i wanted to see where MY life could take me, through all it's twists and turns. i wanted to feel alive most of the time and not a cliche. i also grew up with a single mother who clearly struggled and spoke of 'starting her life' for a greater part of mine. i just felt i would never be ready and i could never undo the situation. needless to say i did have a child at a period of time where i was greatly lost, misguided and insecure. i had no direction and the apathy for myself or living on the edge was just the dumbest risk i took (subconciously i think). looking back, i had come close to that situation 2 other times , again at points of my life when i felt wholly not myself and ashamed. on the other hand of not wanting a child for seemingly 'selfish' reasons, as they're so often called when a woman doesn't want one, i also thought it was too important a task for me to casually undertake, but that's exactly what i did! going through the motions, never feeling 'in it' or maternal. if anything always embarassed to say i was pregnant and even more guilty that i didn't feel excited about it (of course this is intertwined with having SOME excitement when about to have a baby, but mostly it was me looking down at myself, if that makes any sense.but then again my memory plays tricks on me and blocks out a lot of emotions and details and i can persuade myself one way or another a different version of events) :(
i see myself getting so spiteful and impatient and cruel to my child sometimes it frightens me, it sickens me, and i want to just slap it out but it comes back. there are skeletons in my closet but it feels like such a cliche to believe i can't control myself because of them. sometimes when i convince myself i'm not happy and i hate my life, i remember all the times i got what i THOUGHT i wanted only to realize i didn't want it at all. maybe i'm narrating something to myself that creates my own misery and rewires my brain and habits?? but this article gave me chills when it mentioned not wanting children can be a recipe for disaster--and not having a support system makes it infinitely worse, this is my little secret if it is what i think it is...
I am a child of a mother who was diagnosed with bipolar disease and as hard as it is to think this, let alone say it aloud, I wish that she would have never had my sister nor me. I love my mother and I still do even after her death, but she was the worst parent imaginable. She would go back and fourth between taking her meds and not. She tried to commit suicide 13 times total (all ending in an emergency call), about seven of those after I was born. Do you have any idea what it does to a child that has to walk in on a their mother who is laying on the floor vomiting and shaking from an overdose, wondering if they should call the police or just let her die? My mother would tell me all the time that she wanted to be out of her misery because she could not control herself and thoughts more than half the time. There were really great moments in childhood that I would always look back to and tell myself that my mother was good. But more often there were the bad times, where we would get in a fight and she would tell me I was worthless, she wish I was never born, would kick me out of the house at 13 or even tried to strangle me to death. Even after ALL of the things I have been through with my mother, I still love her, but I DO NOT believe people diagnosed with bipolar disease should have children, especially if they say the "stress could be too much." I realize that not all bipolar people could be as bad as my mother, but especially if it is the woman with all the hormonal changes that happens during a pregnancy, is a bad idea. At least your husband is admitting to you that he does not think he can handle children and that is a hard thing to admit. I think it is selfish to force children on someone who does not want children because not only will they not be intrested in taking care of them or resent them, but they can take out all their bipolar mood swings on them as well and I wish that on no one.
Hello. I'm a 21 year old female and I have been with my boyfriend for two years but we knew each other for about a year before we got together. When he first told me that he was Bipolar i wasn't overly worried I have been supportive and make sure he keeps taking his medication. i enjoy his highs and help him through the lows. I love him so much and am pretty sure that I have found my sould mate. Whilst getting to know each other better he asked me if I ever wanted children and I said yes but... he said no. He's worried that the baby(ies) will be Bipolar. He doesn't think it fair too pass it on as he had a really rough time before he was diagnosed. Although I can see where he's coming from having a genetic problem my self my biological clock is ringing. I realise I'm young but it's happening now. I'm just worried that it will never happen for me. I need to know what the chances of my baby having the same problems as him. please some one.
Kelly,
Children who have one parent with the disorder have a 15% to 30% chance of developing the disorder themselves; children with two parents with the disorder have a 50% to 75% chance.
A good option might be sperm donation and the baby will still legaly be yours and his.
@Person above: please don't post false figures. Or cite your sources. Where did you hear that? The odds are 10% for one parent: http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/05/10/will-my-baby-inherit-bipolar-disorder/.
I have more sources (scholarly not mass media) that confirm these figures but I just haven't bookmarked them so I can't find them again. Google it yourself and you'll find a plethora of bp genetics literature.
As frightening as bipolar is, please remember how some of the world's most brilliant people have had bipolar and other disabilities. Isaac Newton comes to mind for Bipolar. Gravity and Integration are only tiny splinters of all with which he has enlightened humanity. Modern science would not be where it is today without Newton. Jackie Du Pre, my favourite cellist, had MS and Stephen Hawking had motor neurone disease. Einstien was dyslexic among other things and John Nash was schizophrenic. The biggest intellectual/aesthetic gifts to the world have been by those with disabilities, fascist.
I do believe that whether or not to have children should boil down to how good of a support system one has and how responsibly the patient handles his/her illness. Financial security is paramount too. In short, having children is a serious decision to be treated cautiously by everyone, bipolar and healthy alike.
Whether hereditary and/or environmental, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, dementia, delusion and schizophrenia are present in my family. Combining this knowledge with my own medical history, financial instability and reaction to stress and hormones makes me not want to be a mother. I do like little children, but feel that in the best interest of myself, my family and society, I should do all I can to prevent pregnancy.
This is my story. I was very very worried when i had my amazing beautiful child. Ill never look back. She is a becon in my life. Yes i am bipolar. Its a diease. Your special and have to take care of your self. Like a diabetic. There certain foods i cant eat. I cannot cannot cannot drink. And i look at it as i am special and i am a human. Society is actually very funny, some.completely rude and uneducated about it. I am a proud parent a proud person. And i donnot hide it or shame myself. That is completey ridculous to do so. I am not here to please others and dont care what they think..
Thank you so much for this post. Just last week, I broke up with my boyfriend w/bipolar after an eight year relationship. It came down to him not wanting children and me wanting kids. The sad thing is that he is at a point where he is finally on meds, going to therapy, and able to keep a job, so our relationship is at its best. But, I guess not the best since he said that is unable to give me what will make me happy. Breaks my heart. Reading the feedback here gives me perspective to what he is thinking. I'm not mad nor hate him. I just have to accept the fact that he said what he wants (and is unable to do).
Well we found out my husband was bipolar when he was 32, after 10 years of being together. Our son was just shy of 2 when my husband committed suicide. I am not bipolar, but I can say that it was like having 2 children. I loved him from the bottom of my soul, and that could not make him better. He wanted to leave us so that our son wouldn't see him being bipolar.
I could go on, but I don't regret having our son at all. I have a piece of my husband left, and I like to believe it's the best parts. I cannot say that he wouldn't have committed suicide if we did NOT have our son, I will never know. But I do know that he loved our son. Such conflicting times. It hasn't been a year yet and I am still figuring things out as far as being a widow with a 2.5 year old. It's hard. Not sure what my advice to people in this situation would be. sorry.
I am bipolar II, and am a stay at home mum with a 2 year old and 4 month old. My advice would be it is absolutely possible but it is very important to have a plan in place for what you will do if you have an episode, particularly a depressive one. You can't call in sick or make excuses to your kids or quit your job as a Mum but you can take the break you need if you plan right. Also be careful about sleep deprivation!
I believe my kids are getting a wonderful upbringing and the creativity and energy that I can harness is something they really benefit from. I also believe that you can be happy (enough of the time!) and bipolar so whilst I hope my children don't suffer from it, I don't believe it is selfish to have them.
P.S. I love this blog! If anyone knows of positive support groups & blogs for mothers with bipolar disorder I would love to hear about them.
It is understandable to feel worried and anxious about having a child, especially when you have such a condition. But in my opinion, having children despite the condition is a personal choice and depends on one’s personal health. But it would be best to consult your doctor first to plan everything ahead of time. I just came across this site: http://weatheringthestormbp.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/bipolar-disorder-and-having-children/, which I think would be a great help. Anyway, thank you for your insight!
i'm 58 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar in 1981./even though I've been on meds and stable for most all that time & i'm unemployable due to a sleep disorder which may or may not be due to the bipolar.ie,it could be separate and my doctor believes I probably have delayed sleep phase disorder syndrome.long story short,stressful events will keep me awake all night prior.when employed I can't sleep ..when I have any event scheduled I won't be able to sleep the entire night prior to the event.maybe on and off until time to wake up.ya can't work if ya can't sleep.anyway,i have one child..he's an adult now..so I had one adult..my relationship with my wife ddid not last but 2 years because of my bipolar and actually shouldn't have lasted even have lasted for 2 years.it took years for both of us to get over once it shattered apart.a constant reminder of that relationship is my now 27 year old son./she was pregnant when we split up/.I couldn't have raised him because of my bipolar.she raised him by herself.and did a wonderful job of it./not all bipolars are the same.while I was stable on my meds,it was my sleep disorder that made it impossible.i wouldn't have been able to withstand being kept awake by a crying baby.i'm just one of a million bipolars who wouldn't be able to have children and support them as social security disability as the only income is barely enough to keep one person fed much less a wife and child.not to mention doctor bills,the childs schooling and clothes,etc..but here's another fact..there's as many bipolars who can work..can function..and can have and support children and a wife and I say go for it if ya can!! because of facebook and the fact my ex and son use it daily,it looks as though my becoming friends with my inlaws(after 25 years of being a completely separate part of my life) is coming to pass.some bipolars can manage having children and I say do it if you can and want to.to those that aren't certain yet..be certain one way or the other before having a family.i was uncertain but took the chance and it didn't work.if you're positively certain I say why not!!
I realize this post is rather old, but I feel I have found it at a perfect time. I have always dreamed of adopting children--my sister was adopted from China, my roommate from Colombia, my cousins from Japan, Hawaii, and Guatemala, and my best friend from Wisconsin, USA. I am currently a female nursing student on full merit scholarship, doing well in my classes, have held up multiple jobs since a teenager, and have found a passion in working toward social justice. I have volunteered across the country in schools in impoverished areas, I volunteer regularly at meal center, children's centers, and am a Big Sister through Big Brothers Big Sisters here at school. I work in summer with kids and adults with severe cognitive and mental disabilities. I know I one day want to adopt, possibly have foster children, and most likely will want to adopt children with both special needs and without.
Maybe it is my young age, but I never even considered that I will not be allowed to adopt because I am bipolar until about 6 months ago. I do not trust myself going off of medication for over 9 months, plus hormone changes, plus the stress of a newborn and the 6 months or so it will take me to stabilize once I begin taking medication again. And I flat out don't want to biologically have children (Cystic fibrosis, depression, bipolar, cognitive delay, and a high instances of brain aneurisms all run in my genes---believe me, getting the bipolar gene was the lucky straw).
What are my chances here. I want children. I have been stable since 17, when I was diagnosed. I have never been hospitalized, never been documented as suicidal or self injurious, never been charged with a felony or misdemeanor, never been recorded to go off of my medication even. I realize I am still young, but it's been killing me thinking that all my friends can just get pregnant and adopt and start their families, and I cannot.
Will I need to be married to adopt if I am bipolar?
Are international adoptions a possibility?
Domestic?
Foster care?
And, pregnancy without medications? My medication says there is not significant trials done with pregnant women so it is not labeled as a teratogen, although I am aware that other anti-seizure medications (like mine) are Class D teratogen, which is pretty bad.
I asked others without bipolar (a social worker) and they dismissed it as a person with a mental disorder would not be considered at all (not knowing that I had one).
I just need a little back up here. I am the only person I know who is bipolar and NOT in court, losing her custody rights, abusing his kids, flipping the shit and beating someone on the street. I am SO SICK of their being no GOOD examples of people with bipolar disorder in the intellectual, civilized population. I have talked to no one who is functioning well in society as a human, and so I do not know who to go to to ask these questions. I was just really releived to find this blog, and i am hoping for answers, or else this is going to be a very long journey by myself, and I know a lot of my questions will be unanswered.
Hi
I am 31 years old, I have finally accepted I have BP, and am currently on the depressive side of things. I run a ebay business with the help of my father, and have a beautiful little girl, I am not sure if i can cope with her without my wife's support or cope with the business without my fathers support, that is why support is so important.
I am 23 and due to give birth to my first baby in three weeks. I have been diagnosed and treated for bipolar II for two years. Initially, I was adamant of not having biological children because I could not stand the idea of passing this along. Although this disorder is not a death sentence it is not something I would voluntarily give someone. However,the father has no mental history in his life or his family's. So the way I see it is my child has a 50/50 chance of having bipolar or depression. If I were to adopt a child doesn't that also have risk? I mean, life is a gamble. You either the play the game or you sit out and miss out on some of the greatest opportunities presented to you.
I have parents who are bipolar and while I'm not bipolar myself, I've always thought being born was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I chose not to have children because why bring them into a world where they will only suffer horribly and ultimately die? The brief moments of joy life offers doesn't make up for all the suffering, turmoil and pain.
Some years ago I was diagnosed with a (atypical) depressive episode but my therapist pointed out at a possibility that I might have a bipolar spectrum disorder. And now it seems probable that it is a rapid-cycling bipolar II. Most of my time I am not feeling well but I still have frequent periods of high energy which keeps me very active. It is a condition which is very hard to cope with. Anti-depressants did not have any positive effect. Luckily I am not dependent on alcohol, I sleep pretty well and my professional situation is stable for at least many years.
My spouse has her own problems, specifically abandonment related C-PTSD. This has also severely affected my well-being : I have now non-existent social network of support. I can hardly speak to anyone about my problems. Nevertheless, there is not much anyone else can do. Much of my worries are related to our conflicting needs. I need things she does not accept and she needs things I cannot provide. I tend to avoid conflicts in order to control my moods. Both BP and C-PTSD seem chronic conditions and they get worse with time especially now that we live far away from our relatives.
My spouse would like to have children but I have always been very reluctant. Unfortunately time is running out for her. I like children but they bring a lot of stress and uncertainty in life. I have said to her that I do not think I would be a good father. I would have less time and energy to cope with my condition. I have always thought that I do not necessarily need OWN children. All I want is to contribute to the culture and happiness of other people through my work. Maybe my reluctance to have children is a kind of self-preservation instinct. I have read so many stories about BP people unable to cope and taking their own lives when their children are young.
I have three children (ages 5,3, and 2). I was also a foster parent. Before we moved out of the country, I had 6 kids under the age of seven. That would make a very healthy person go crazy! But, I was parenting them. Some days, I was AMAZING. Some days I was AWFUL. With my ups and downs increasing, I finally got diagnosed with bipolar. (After dealing with it for 8 years undiagnosed and unmedicated). I know bipolar is an awful illness that makes me feel like I am literally losing my mind. But, I have also done some amazing things despite having bipolar. My husband and I were awarded Foster Parents of the Year. My husband and I moved to Cozumel and I am homeschooling my 3 biological children. I am finally on medication for the first time (Limictal and prozac combo)and I feel "normal" for the first time since I was 19. I feel fantastic! My husband and I always wanted a house full of children, and have talked about having a fourth child. It's been a struggle for me, knowing how much I struggle without medication. I've also struggled with the thought of passing the illness onto my children. Though my mother was never diagnosed, I'm certain she has bipolar. My brother also has bipolar. Apparently, its strong in my family. I know for me, I'm glad my parents had children, even if my childhood was filled with some confusing and inconsistent discipline. I don't believe bipolar is all I have to offer the world. I don't believe its all my brother has to offer the world. He has joined the Navy and is doing great. It's important to know our limits, as people with bipolar, but we shouldn't short change ourselves. I wouldn't recommend a person having a child with no support, but even the healthiest woman needs support when it comes to children. I have a very supportive husband that is very sensitive to my needs. Before I was medicated, he would gauge my mood and take my children outside to play while I had alone time. He would babysit the kids so I could have girl's nights. I am a very prayerful person. Suffering from bipolar keeps me on my knees. It's not an easy illness to live with. But, I have no doubt that my children will be amazing, rather or not they have bipolar. I questioned my husband one day when I was having an especially horrible episode. "I just think you would all be better off without me! What kind of parent and wife AM I?!" My husband said something that has all stuck with me. I was foster caring at the time. He said, "Look at the parents of these children. We are in this together. Your amazing days far outweigh your bad days. I'll gladly take the bad days so I can have you on your good days." Everyone's bipolar journey is different. But it should never define us.
Wow, lots of very eye opening comments here and I hate to be the pessimist in a comment section, especially one tailored for people who suffer from bipolar disorder but here it goes... I found this page from googme searching, I wish my bipolar dad would just go ahead and die. I know that it's aweful and I am ashamed to admit my feelings. My childhood was horrendous and the fault falls on both my parents but my dad just brainwashed me into believing that the world was a horrible and terrifying place, that all people are evil and want to screw you over. I spent my entire childhood so full of anxiety that I would throw up constantly just out of nervousness. I had anxiety about everything and this eventually led to me dropping out of school. I'm now a very successful adult with a college degree but that only happened because I moved 2000 miles away with a girl and was cured of my depression. Now for some stupid reason I've moved back home and the depression and anxiety is returning and it's definitely from dealing with my dad. he get progressively worse and I am the only person who can take care of him and it's not fair to my wife and child. I will say this though, he did one thing right and that is he made sure that I knew that he loved me unconditionally and that is one of the most important things a parent can do. that said he had no business ever becoming a father. If you don't have your disorder under control please don't have a child, it's not fair for them and it's selfish of you.
I'm in my late 30s.
I'm male.
As I get older I watch MANY of my friends having kids.
Either getting married or having kids.
I'M BIPOLAR.
And even though at times I long for a family of my own, I just can't bring myself to go there.
My girlfriend wants kids and many of my girlfriends have wanted kids.
I always say no.
It's not what I want.
It IS what I want (to a certain degree).
But it's really all I can do just to take care of myself.
I am on a fixed income so there really isn't even enough to support myself.
I don't know what I'd do without the foodbanks in town.
So children.
I just wanted to say that I have paternal instincts, but I'm very torn on the issue of having kids.
I just don't think I'd be able to handle the stress.
I fancy a guy who has bipolar. But I am torn between the thoughts of would i be able to cope with pressure of his bipolar. I would like to have children one day, but I am also scared that what if children will have bipolar :(... I don't know what to do, to continue seeing him and build a relationship or not pursue this...
Thank you for these comments.
I am engaged to a man who has bipolar. He has always known I wanted kids. In the beginning he said he wanted them too or never really said otherwise. Last year he made a flippant comment about not wanting them, I put it down to indecision and the fact that he had a niece who isn't very well behaved!
Last night we reached a point where I said I could not marry him if he didn't at least want children in the future.
I've told him I will give him time to truly make up his mind - and so far he has said that he doesn't think he'd be a good father.
He is stable, on very low dosage of medication and has been for three years with no problems whatsoever. I am very supportive and we both have excellent families who could provide a support network as I'm sure we would both need it, bipolar or not!
But thank you for this blog and the comments as I feel at least now I can understand his fears a bit more and maybe try to talk to him a bit more about it. As I am fine if he genuinely does not want children but if it is out of fear then that's something I'd hope he could overcome or at least consider overcoming - is that unrealistic?
Well I'm a single mum with bi polar and I have raised my beautiful daughters on my own without assistance from their father. My daughters are 13 and 10 years old and live life to the full. Recently I have since met an amazing man and we wish to have children together. I feel a great achievement to myself dealing with the emotional roller coaster of bi polar and have a good routine that's ajustable for my families needs we all thrive from it.just because I have bi polar never stopped me having children there is a lot of support out there and my family and friends help out when I need a break from time to time but we all need that
Did you ever get answers? I 29, stable, on meds with support from my therapist and psychiatrist, happily married for almost 3 years to my husband (who I've lived with for 7 years) and just received my associates degree summa cum laude, all while being highly involved at my school.
I am in the same position in that I don't think I should/can biologically have kids (I don't want to go off my meds, I'm scared to pass it on, & have PCOS and other health issues will make it hard/impossible to conceive). We are leaning towards adoption, but aren't sure if we will even be approved due to my mental health history, which makes me feel just horrible and very guilty that I might deprive my wonderful husband of being a father. I know he could be a great one. I'd like to think I would be a great mother, and my therapist seems to think so....but I am not even sure we would be approved. I would love to hear if you've made progress!!
Just replying to this old post - have you ever seen the massive, massive damage a bipolar person can do to others self esteem? It's easy to "want kids" even if you have real problems. Whether or not it's actually a good idea is the incredibly tough decision everyone should actually make before mindlessly doing it. I've been subjected to horrific abuse at the hands of a bipolar person. I'm glad when they were being nice (at first) I didn't just go with my feelings at the time and have children with them, much as i love the person they'd be the worst parent possible!
A couple of people point out that they were hurt or abused as children by someone who was bipolar. I am sorry for that.
I do want to point out though, that not every person who has bipolar is cruel. In fact, most people who have bipolar are more cruel to themselves than to anyone else. Being cruel, mean, hateful, abusive, is more tied to personality and developmental history influences, than to being bipolar. There is no specific relationship between bipolar disorder and being abusive. Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder characterized by regular shifts in mood between depressed and manic/energized states. A person’s disposition to abuse is not a mood disorder. Bipolar people can be abusive and mean, but then again, so can non-bipolar people.
If you are a mean person, bipolar or not, don't have kids.
Eliza,
Your Bipolar condition should not preclude you from adopting.
Your adoption agency will probably want documentation from your doctor that you are on medication and are stable. Don't give up hope!!
Hi - I'm single and seriously thinking of trying to have a baby on my own by donor conception - does anyone know of any sites for parents who have been diagnosed with bipolar? (I was diagnosed in the past but not sure I agree with the diagnosis - I don't take meds and have done a lot of work on issues, thought patterns and lifestyle choices that were contributing to sleep problems and depression, and am now happier, healthier, more self-aware and calmer than I have ever been). So I don't even think about that diagnosis on a day-to-day basis but now I'm at the point of trying for a baby, some fear from that diagnosis has reared up and also about having it on my records, in case it spoils my chances of going ahead with the donor conception. All positive and constructive info or thoughts welcome thank you.
I think it's your personality and liferstyle without bipolar disorder - is more of a determining facotr if you want children or not.
For me I love my single care-free lifestyle way too much to add in children into the mix. A lot of extended family have children so I can be the best aunt ever instead of having my own children.
It's not about what looks good to others for me anymore which is a huge relief it's about how I want to live and what is going to make me want to jump out of bed in the morning.
Love spell came out tremendously, I highly recommending robinson.buckler@yahoo.com for whatever problems you are experiencing in your relationship. He also healed my husband from Bipolar disorder. his love spell is absolutely wonderful .
hi i understand how each of you feel. i suffer from severe bipolar. i chose not to have children because of it. i suffer from bad episodes everyday and i couldn't mentally handle seeing my child go through the same stuff i do everyday. it would break my heart to see my child or any child suffer from this disease. im still in the air about adopting. im adopted and love my family but they had no idea i had bipolar till i was in my 20's. everyday is a struggle but with meds and support im making it.
I am a mum an i have bipolar disorder.i didnt know i was until i had my son an had post natal psycosis an when i relapsed 2 years later i was diagnosed bipolar.my son is 5 now an it took me 3 an half years to become myself again an to heal my marriage but i would do it all again.i am well,stable now an my son is my world..the best thing that ever happened to me.i also work with children.sadly my husband wont have anymore after what happened.i hope one day i can persuade him as i hate tat my condition defines me
I am a mum an i have bipolar disorder.i didnt know i was until i had my son an had post natal psycosis an when i relapsed 2 years later i was diagnosed bipolar.my son is 5 now an it took me 3 an half years to become myself again an to heal my marriage but i would do it all again.i am well,stable now an my son is my world..the best thing that ever happened to me.i also work with children.sadly my husband wont have anymore after what happened.i hope one day i can persuade him as i hate tat my condition defines me
I was in a six year relationship we where great when we frist got together no problems we could get throught everything but we got my stepson full time before we got him we found out i was pregnant we had lost three before my fourth time we both said if it happens it happens also he didnt realy act like he was happy about the baby he even said he was working nights so he didnt have to get up w the baby i was fine but than lately he wasnt himself he blamed the boys for our problems and than me and he wasnt paying rent like he said i had a appointment for us as a couple for a Threapist at frist he said yes than day came he didnt go so i went told her things and what was going on so i did something she said i had told other have i was taking control of money for bills and things baby needed and money for laundry he didnt lime it and his family started treated me and baby like crap and he was talking to anither girl and his mom grandma and sister r enabling him and he self medicates hes not on meds and already in another relationship and he broke my heart in half no way back i dont even know if i want him aline w my son some advice please hes been mean to me sunce split
Reading a lot of these comments has been extremely discouraging to me. A year ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, I had been misdiagnosed with depression/anxiety for YEARS, and when it finally got unbearable, I sought out help again. Now, with the right medication, I'm back on track. My husband and I have 3 beautiful children, and while I think there is always a risk passing it to them...there's always a risk of being shitty parent, mental illness or not. I haven't been the perfect parent, wife, or person, but nobody is. I know people who a lot shittier of both than I am, and they don't have mental illness to deal with. If you want to be a good parent, you will be a good parent. If you want children, and a healthy life, you will seek the treatment you need in order to make that happen. I never stopped seeking the right treatment, and while it wasn't always easy, my children have always been clean, fed, clothed, provided for, and LOVED. As far as passing it on to them, yep, there's that possibility, and there's nothing I can do about that since my children were here long before my diagnosis. But at least I know what to look for, to help them seek treatment if it gets to that point, and be an example of how to make life work while living with mental illness. Life isn't pretty, it isn't perfect no matter who you are. We ALL have our demons, don't let them stop you from living.
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