Had it of been easier to find a good Psychiatrist, I would probably still have a job. The anxiety and depression got the best of me a few months ago, and I couldn't cope with things like long hours, increased workload, and a negative boss. It affected my work performance and I was strongly persuaded to pack up my things. (Which by the way, I learned that if you give into these tactics, you don't get unemployment) These are things that most people can cope with, but for people with bipolar, it's pretty hard. I've been off for about four months now, and in all honestly, my time has been spent either moping around or jumping from one little project to the next. I'm not homeless yet because I have a supportive husband who has picked up the slack. You are probably thinking, so what's successful about that? It isn't, but even the best of us find outselves here from time to time. I've moped for about 4 months, and I'm ready to put myself out there again and find another job.
I knew this was coming. I knew I was going to have a breakdown, and I even told my Psychiatrist about it. I was like a ticking time bomb. She really didn't care, and told me that I do this to myself, as she handed me the same old script. I called around to other Psychiatrists in my area, but nobody was taking new patients. I talked to my husband, but he didn't know what to do either. Eventually I landed myself in a meeting with the top dogs of the company, and walked out crying like a baby. I know, how successful is that? I felt better when I got onto my favorite bipolar chatroom- http://www.bipolarworld.net/Community/webchat.html - and asked if anyone else had a meltdown at work. I got quite a bit of support there, and heard some job loss stories, some that made me chuckel. It's good to know that you are not alone.
Still, it's quite a shame that it had to come to this. I truely believe that this could of went another way. Had I been thinking clearly, I might have asked to go part time. I might have asked for a family medical leave. I might have been able to do something to keep my job.
Just this week, I got some relief in the most unlikely place- a walk in clinic. The doctor prescribed me a very small dose of Xanax 0.25 mg that she suggested I take before going places I would otherwise avoid- like a job interview. This has been controlling my social anxiety, and I've only taken 2 this week. She warned me about the potential risks of addiction, and she asked me to come back in two weeks to discuss a more long range treatment plan such as adding Buspar or and SSRI.
There are still some questions I have:
1. How do you get affordable Psychiatric care when you don't have insurance?
2. What is the best treatment for disabling social anxiety that comes and goes?
3. How do you find a good Psychiatrist who is actually taking new clients?
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Do not feel bad about taking off for 4 months...I took off work all last year. Sometimes we just need a break. I am happy that the xanax is working for you. As for your questions....IDK. A good psych is hard to find.
Hi Pink
I don't think I'm ready to dive into full time employment just yet. I am looking for something part time. The job thing has been quite a set back. Seems about every 10 years I get to the point where I can't work for while.
Although sometimes I do feel bad about being unemployed (mostly when I'm questioned as to why I don't have a job), I think that taking this time off is the best option.
Not sure yet how well Xanax will work for me.
Hi Amy,
My name is Stephany and I totally understand what you are going through. I am 24, married, bipolar, unemployed...I am quite glad that I found your blog because I finally found someone that feels the same feelings that I do and has the same issues in life. It's hard to open with someone that will say "I know what you're feeling" when the truth is that they don't know. I just hope that your medication works out well. I too have no insurance and I have been off meds for 7 months now and I can feel myself plumeting into a depression again. My shrink was a joke...it's just so hard to have it all, which makes me think "is it too much to ask for?" Well, since I've gone through this before and believed that it would never end, now I know that time makes miracles and that you will overcome. Hang in there cuz you are not alone in this battle.
I think a good Psychiatrist, is one that has empathy for their patients, or understands what they're feeling. People that don't know what bipolar's like, or don't have relatives/friends with it, tend to be ignorant and rely on meds too much.
It's good to have a job with understanding co-workers and managers too. My husband's manager was wonderful when my husband had his first manic meltdown. He was able to take a month of medical leave, and his job wasn't affected.
I hope you're able to find a better, more flexible job, as well as a better Psychiatrist!
Hi Stephany,
I was about your age when I was first diagnosed with bipolar. I've had quite a few ups and downs over the years. The fact that we are activily looking for help and trying to be part of our own treatment, that is what makes us most likely to succeed. We can do this!
I understand how it is to not be able to afford meds and treatment. I did however, recently learn that different pharmacies have different prices- and sometimes MAJOR price differences. For example, Lamictal was costing me $300 per month, and I recently found a generic at Costco.com for $27.00 for a 3 month supply. Try Costco.com and also consider pill splitting (if it comes down to that or not being able to afford meds at all).
Costco's parmacy link-
http://www.costco.com/Service/FeaturePage.aspx?ProductNo=11486072
I'm sure it's tough for a psyciatrist to listen to depressed people all day long, but this type of help is needed so badly. My psy doctor was a joke too, and I'm pretty sure she needs meds more than me. When I started seeing her many years ago, my doctor was good. She has lost her compassion.
Anonymous-
I agree that empathy is needed. Kind words and understanding can go a long way. Meds alone will never work. It's great that your husband is working, and has found a manager who will work with him. Looks like he found a wonderful and supportive wife too.
I dont know what state you are in but all counties in California have behaviorial health for little or no cost depending on income. A bipolar should never go without medication. That is why there is so much negative press about us. They are not taking there meds and doing drugs or alcohol. I know when I'm headed for a manic episode and I ensure that I never work in one.
Be careful about taking an SSRI. Typically bipolars should NOT take antidepressants. Perhaps the reason is not so obvious to some, but antidepressants are for depression. They kick in thing that lead to mania and rapid cycling for most people. It may not happen to you, but to be safe, I would not take them. I'm sure you are already doing something by now as this is a really old post. Good luck.
Meredith,
Thanks for pointing out that SSRI's are not good for bipolar. I should have mentioned that in my post. I actually had to remind the doctor of that fact. I've been down that road many years ago, and already learned from that mistake. I chose the Buspar for anxiety, and it works fairly well.
hi.. My name is john I just read all ur blogs.. Im just 25 yrs old now and i just realized that i had bipolar when i was 24.. The funny thing was i had bipolar and schezophenia together.. I was so much in a serious stage that i ended up chasing a lost relationship. I could go on telling u all the things that happened but i would like to give u a worst case scenario what happened. I started chasing the woman i loved at that time as i was hallucinating though we broke up and she has moved on, i ended goin to another country and then to a coupld of islands and stayed there in a deserted island full of viper snakes, water snakes, jelly fish and monitor lizards in the night and i some how survived without a scratch as i found a fisherman on the ocean who saw me wavin my torch light who took me back to safety.
My point is i also had 3rd stage manic depression as i thought i was the president of the country and i thought all the people i saw were voting for me. I also started having racing thoughts and felt full of energy.
Anywas i did start taking my meds for 6 months and i felt that my mind was tinking very slow. I knew i m thinking and feeling like a normal person and i realized alot of mistakes and i was keen on havin a successful like.then da docs said i had been bi polar since my early teens coz dats the reason why i could never sit in one place and study, i was a failure in my school and college. But then as i was in my meds i did somehow graduate n ended up wit a job at barclays bank. But then i hated the fact that i stopped thinking creative ideas, slow brain processing and fatigue. All due to the meds. But i was curing yeah.. And da meds also made me put on weight. I lost my 6pax,muscles,everything in 3 months and i had lack o energy as well. Maybe its how a normal individual feels.anywas i quit taking the medicines n i started to control myself and my descisions and my feelings. Sumtimes when i get depressed, i made my brain undertsand that i have no reason to be depressed coz i have no problems.. Somehow guess what, now i feel great, i can come up with any business ideas, i can advice anybody how to make money even from an industry i dont understand anytin at all. In the end i had only worked 6 months in my life ever since graduation as a credit card salesman , but now ever since i stopped taking meds, i got so smart, creative that i came up with a way how to be succesfful in job wise in a short period of time.. So as soon as i quit barclays i followed my plan and just after 2 months quitting barclays im a project manager of the best company in their industry in the world. Its not banking but another industry.. And i will keep goin on. My point is i feel i got cured somehow but i just am left only with the posiitive traits of bipolar. Which is creativity. Coz bipolar is a sign of a creative genius. Most famous ppl in world history had bipolar. U can research it. I dont even feel happy for no reasons.. I seriously dont feel anything intense.. But i only feel motivated, serious, cool and normal feelings.. No sudden depression or excitement but just confidence.. Seriously i dont know how this happened to me...
I am only recently discovering the expenses of psychiatry and having the right person to speak to. I think it is both a combination of the psychiatrist and how you feel about your actions. If you feel guilty or scared quite often you don't want to bring things up and when you do you will find anything that the psychiatrist says negative even though they don't mean it. My psych had to outlay to me that she was trying her best and she genuinely wanted to help me before i started to really trust her, open up to her and not resent her when i felt what she was saying wasn't right. Sure she has told me some things that i don't feel help like 'its just your imagination', which i do resent because i feel there is always an underlying problem.... but i guess it could be worse and at least im getting help and she is understanding about other things which surprise me. Sometimes though she is too understanding and im like noooo its not right... i shouldn't have done that. Its so hard to get a balance and for someone to really know 'who' you are and what is a result of your personality or the bipolar. Also, sometimes if i go in to her looking ok... and not putting on a scene she'll be like 'ok you look ok today lets leave the next appointment a few weeks'. Im like are you serious... I feel like there is a big black hole in my life and i want to fix it. just because i look ok one day does not mean i am 'ok'. :( Also might i ad that i work around the clock to fund my psychiatry and my meds. I cling desperately to a job i don't enjoy (and give it everything that i'v got) but have been with the company for years. They respect me and look after me which is the most important thing.
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