Bipolar, to have or not to have children...

To have or not to have children when you are bipolar, that is the question. I get the most amazing and thoughtful comments on this blog, and here is one that really hit home, since my own biological clock is at the buzzer. My reader wrote, "My boyfriend is bipolar. He thinks the stress of children will be too much for him and that he won't be a very good parent. I just wish there were bipolar parents he could speak to. I know he would be an amazing father, and it saddens me that we may not have the family we dreamed of." Considering how much this reader wants children, I hope they really consider it. People who want children make super parents.

I don't have any children, and I worry that someday I will regret that. For me, It's just as much a personality issue as it is a bipolar issue. I'm not as interested in children as I "should" be. I don't have that maternal instinct that I "should" have. I always thought I would outgrow that, but I never really have.

My experience leads me to believe that people with bipolar can be the very best or the very worst of parents. When the children are wanted, and the support system is strong, people with bipolar are often the most amazing parents. It's when the children were never really wanted, and/or the bipolar parent doesn't have the tools (support system, medications, desire) to cope, that parenting can turn into a disaster.

My grandfather was almost certainly bipolar, and he made some mistakes that left deep scars on his children. He was raising his ten children in the 50's and 60's and the medications and treatments that are available today were not available to him. He self medicated with alcohol, probably the worst way he could treat his bipolar. That said, most of his children are happy and doing very well today. About half struggle with bipolar or depression or varying seriousness, but most are doing well. He probably could have been a great father, but he was not. I blame alcohol, not bipolar.

There are some risks for people with bipolar when having children.. The most significant that comes to mind is the risk of passing bipolar on to offspring, which may or may not be a terrible thing- it depends on how you look at it. The other is the risk of a serious manic or depressive episode if the mother has to adjust medications while pregnant.

So, to have or not to have children when bipolar? I think if you want children you should most certainly have them. If you are worried about the
chance of passing on bipolar to your child, you can adopt. If you take care of yourself and have a strong support system, the odds are with you to be the most amazing parent. Don't rule out children just because you are bipolar. They just might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Bipolar and Successful Support Group

It is extremely difficult to find people who suffer from bipolar disorder, are successful, and are also willing to talk about it. Those of us who enjoy success usually keep mental illness a secret to all but the closest of friends. Although our loved ones try to support us, there is nothing like the support of others who share this illness- it is especially wonderful to connect with people who have found ways to cope.

There are support groups out there, but they often attract people who are not coping well or not coping at all. Support groups often focus on the worst of mental illness, and rarely on success. You rarely hear about people who are bipolar and successful. We know they are out there, but how do we find them? Image my surprise when I found a local meeting for business professionals who have a mental illness. I just learned about this group and attended my first meeting tonight. What a wonderful and inspiring group!

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness runs my group. You can contact your local NAMI and find out if they have a group like this near you. If they don't, they may be willing to start one. Is anyone else involved in something like this? If so, I'd love to hear about it.

Famous people who have suffered and continue to suffer with bipolar

"There's another me behind this public mask." - Stephen Fry
"I always have voices in my head saying what a useless bastard I am." - Stephen Fry


Stephen Fry - The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive

Bipolar, I Usually Just Pretend To Be Normal

I spend most of my time just trying to be normal. I find other ways to describe my illness. To friends and aquantances I might admit, "I get a little bit of depression from time to time," but I'd never say "I'm full on Bipolar." When filling out medical forms, I either check the box "Depression" or, if I need to request a medication to treat bipolar, I might write "Mood Disorder," but never Bipolar.
I simpily haven't had good results when admitting I'm bipolar.
Readers of this blog, My Friends, you may only know me as Amy; but I share with you, and only you, my bipolar.

It's easier to just make up better excuses for my behavior. I stay up late because I'm taking a class and I'm loaded with homework. I sleep late because I've just never been a morning person. I can't focus because I've just been worrying so much about my dad's health. The laundry's not done because I've just been so busy. And so on. It's good to have a lot of projects your appear to be working on, and a lot of books you appear to be reading laying around. It's all about appearances. People are much more accepting of unexplained oddness than they are of bipolar. When faced with bipolar, people think, oh no, will she shave her head like Britney Spears, unravel then overdose like Amy Winehouse, or end her life like Kurt Cobain?

I have been trying to be more social in times when I am well. I invite myself over to visit friends. I plan last minute parties and invite old friends and new aquantences. I try to stay just social enough to look normal and sometimes it even helps me feel normal too. Also when I make efforts to be social during these times, I find that people are more tolerant of me when I sink into my quiet, sad, withdrawn states.

If it werent' for my husband, I probably wouldn't try as hard. I sometimes notice that my husband spends so much time and effort trying to make sure I'm ok, that he neglects his own needs. I don't think he even realizes that he's doing it. He mentioned to me the other day that he doesn't have as many friends as he used to and he misses that. I'd like to have more friends too. It's something we both plan to make an effort towards, together.

If you do openly discuss your bippolar, especially with casual friends or coworkers, I think the worst thing you can do is share your bipolar in a completly negative light. People will tire of that quickly. If you decide to talk about bipoplar, people might be intrigued but they certainly won't want to hear sad, and especially long and sad stories. I think we need to save those talks for people who love us the most. We can also do what people have been doing for thousands of years and pour our emotions into work or art.

Bipolar, You Can't Control Everything

Bipolar is a serious illness, and managing it takes quite a lot of effort and control. We try to control our sleeping patterns, our work schedules, the things we eat, the times we take our medications, and so on. And often times it works, our efforts to control our world keep us sane. By controlling our world, we avoid our triggers. It's when we find ourselves in a situation that we can not control that we don't know what to do.

Take for example job loss. Job loss is a very difficult situation for the average person, but a person with bipolar often assumes it's a personal failure; the end of success. When we face something that makes us feel as uncomfortable as this, we become even more structured and vow to make sure it never happens again. Hopefully, this will take a positive direction, such as going back to school.

There will always be things that we cannot control, and these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress. If we want to be bipolar and successful, we have no choice but to make a reasonable effort to control our environment. Yet at the same time, we need to be tolerant towards the things we can not control, particularly the desires and actions of other people. We can influence many things, but some things are simply beyond our control. We can't control people and we cant' change the past.