I spend most of my time just trying to be normal. I find other ways to describe my illness. To friends and aquantances I might admit, "I get a little bit of depression from time to time," but I'd never say "I'm full on Bipolar." When filling out medical forms, I either check the box "Depression" or, if I need to request a medication to treat bipolar, I might write "Mood Disorder," but never Bipolar.
I simpily haven't had good results when admitting I'm bipolar.
Readers of this blog, My Friends, you may only know me as Amy; but I share with you, and only you, my bipolar.
It's easier to just make up better excuses for my behavior. I stay up late because I'm taking a class and I'm loaded with homework. I sleep late because I've just never been a morning person. I can't focus because I've just been worrying so much about my dad's health. The laundry's not done because I've just been so busy. And so on. It's good to have a lot of projects your appear to be working on, and a lot of books you appear to be reading laying around. It's all about appearances. People are much more accepting of unexplained oddness than they are of bipolar. When faced with bipolar, people think, oh no, will she shave her head like Britney Spears, unravel then overdose like Amy Winehouse, or end her life like Kurt Cobain?
I have been trying to be more social in times when I am well. I invite myself over to visit friends. I plan last minute parties and invite old friends and new aquantences. I try to stay just social enough to look normal and sometimes it even helps me feel normal too. Also when I make efforts to be social during these times, I find that people are more tolerant of me when I sink into my quiet, sad, withdrawn states.
If it werent' for my husband, I probably wouldn't try as hard. I sometimes notice that my husband spends so much time and effort trying to make sure I'm ok, that he neglects his own needs. I don't think he even realizes that he's doing it. He mentioned to me the other day that he doesn't have as many friends as he used to and he misses that. I'd like to have more friends too. It's something we both plan to make an effort towards, together.
If you do openly discuss your bippolar, especially with casual friends or coworkers, I think the worst thing you can do is share your bipolar in a completly negative light. People will tire of that quickly. If you decide to talk about bipoplar, people might be intrigued but they certainly won't want to hear sad, and especially long and sad stories. I think we need to save those talks for people who love us the most. We can also do what people have been doing for thousands of years and pour our emotions into work or art.
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After reading this post and some of the others you have written I literally broke down and cried. I am a 23 year old mom who has severe anxiety which explained some thing to me about myself, but I knew it was more than that. I've gotten to a point where I can barely function and the anger and frustration as well as lack of sleep are taking there toll. Everything I read fit exactly what I was going through! I cried from sheer joy that there's a possibility that I now know whats up with myself. I know I have to be professionally diagnosed but you have no idea how this small confirmation that is leading me to solving a mystery of what I'm going through, is such a relief. I at one point literally thought "I have to be losing my mind! no sane person let alone a 23 year old should be feeling the way I do". Thankfully, I have high hopes now that I am not sane lol I just may have a disorder. Thank you so much for your blog...it really helped me. Now if I could ask a few questions: How do I seek help, diagnosis? what kind of doctor do I see? What do I say? And please add anyother tidbits of advice you may have on seeking help please. From the bottom of my heart Thank YOU!
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for writing me. Whenever I blog, I worry that people won't like it. It's been a pleasant surprise to learn that my writing has touched so many people.
I'll try to answer some of your questions, but plan to answer them more in depth in future blog posts.
"What kind of doctor do I see?" A psychiatrist (not a psychologist, and not a mental health counselor since they can't prescribe medication which you probably need before any counseling will work).
"What do I say?" Say, I'm worried that I might have bipolar disorder, and this is why. The doctor will take it from there.
"And please add anyother tidbits of advice you may have on seeking help please."
1) General doctors will often treat depression and prescribe antidepresents. This can be VERY dangerous if you are bipolar and could throw you into full blown mania.
2)ALso, try not to be afraid when seeing a psychiatrist, it's what they do, and they are not going to judge you. Most likely your doctor has already met with a dozen other people who have bipolar just today.
3.) I was about your age when I first started looking for treatment.
"From the bottom of my heart Thank YOU-" You are very welcome. Thank you.
Amy
Amy, I just wanted to say "Thank you!" as well. I have been well for almost 4 years (wow!), after finding a great whole-health doctor and fantastic psychiatrist, who managed to find the perfect triptych of meds for my dad (though I've been fortunate to find one that works really well for me!). It took me about 10 years to admit to myself and anyone else that I needed help in order to enjoy life, not just survive it, which is all I thought I'd ever be able to do. Blogs such as yours helped me to see that it was not a death-sentence to be bipolar, not a stamp that would condemn me to be "crazy" and non-functional for the rest of my life. I have held a job for 3 years (after never having been able to handle the stress of one for more than 6 months), and am a successful (cross your fingers) teacher, single mom (good friends with her dad) and homeowner. Like you, I have made myself a support network of people who watch out for me, tell me if I'm getting manic, and watch my daughter if I just need to sleep a little more. I know my triggers. Anyway, I'm rambling, but what I really wanted to say was thanks. Your words have supported my viewpoint that this is a manageable chronic condition, like rheumatoid arthritis. (My personal mantra--silly!)
Sincerely and with much admiration (I'm proud of you!),
31-yr.-old :)
Wow haven't read the rest of your blog but this post is pathetic. I am bipolar and u saying you try to be normal is ridiculous and the reason the stigma will remain. Normal ? Really ? There is no normal otherwise everyone would be the same. What is this normal you talk of. Everyone acts in different ways wether its from an illness or personality. I can't be bothered to write more this post disgusts me
To "Anonymous" who said this post is pathetic, I think the stigma of bipolar will remain as long as the only people who claim they have bipolar are people who are almost always hateful, negative whiney people. What is normal? A person who is happy and healthy enough to live the life they want to lead. How's that?
I enjoyed reading your blog and share the same feelings. It was nice to be able to relate. My bipolar diagnosis has been guarded secret. I am a nurse and it still surprises me how other health care professionals judge the bipolar diagnosis. Many nursing homes will deny a patient as soon they see the diagnosis. It's terribly sad.
Its hard work sometimes hiding what is going on however with medication it is much easier to manage. Unfortunately I can't keep changing jobs which tends to happen when I have a manic episode and I also find interactions with others is better during a depressed phase. Mixed episodes are the hardest for me to get through and by far the most difficult to manage and keep private.
Thanks for sharing Amy. This is the first time I have even acknowledged my bipolar dx on the web. Take care!
I admit that I envy people who can work fulltime, maintain a home, and still have time for intetests and relationships. However, rather than beat myself up, I give myself a pat on the back for what I HAVE accomplished. I used to be so ill that I barely did anything. Now I work around 10 hours a week and attend a day program around 8 hours a week. I have some good friends and, a very nice man in my life. I have interests, and I serve my church and community. My apartment is decent and reasonably neat. I may never be totally "normal" but I have a decent life-which was much more than I had before. Folks, dwell on what you have and be thankful for it.
"I think we need to save those talks for people who love us the most."
That's my problem. There is not some one who I can spit out my disorder to.
I am always pretending to be normal and it is eating me up inside.
Hi, I understand the concept you describe of trying to act 'normal'. It's as if people can't quite handle the idea that something may be wrong and are continuously trying to get to the bottom of it. I often make up excuses for example i pretend that this one particular boy is making me feel sad when i am crying for no reason or feel unusually depressed (that is when i show my depression to anyone atall). People wouldn't quite understand if i said i was feeling a certain way for no real reason. I find it difficult in social situations because I can't relate to a lot of other people and my life is pretty much a display of doing what i think is right or what is right according to others. I have little social outings every now and then just to keep up the 'social norm'. If i don't do this and start to feel sad... i get the 'why don't you go see a friend' talk from people. I have a shelf full of books i haven't read and pretend that i am in progress of studying... just so that people think that i am doing something when i lock myself away in my room. I literally studied an entire uni degree even though i knew how sick i was and didnt feel competent to use it... just so i appeared to be doing something. Anyway feels good to not feel so alone in all this. Most people really do think im normal and great on the outside (that is not my close friends and family).
I would also like to ad that I am so thankful and appreciative of everyday I can get up, think, walk to the bathroom, keep my room clean, do a load of washing and have a conversation with someone on the phone about how my day has been (if i can remember it). Although I am extremely bored in my job I am so grateful to have it and that I can do it even on my 'bad' days. I have been with the company a long time and built a good reputation.... so people know that when I am not getting something done it is not because i am being lazy or careless. I try to work a lot to keep my mind occupied and thinking, but aside from that I live a very simple lifestyle, that is very accommodating to my emotions and the difficulty i find in doing things. Looking to start some support / networking groups very soon.
Why pretend what are you ashamed of. I dont give a rats behind what anyone thinks of me. They dont. Like me oh well. Move on
Thanks for sharing Amy
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