Bipolar Tomatoes

This year I decided to start a garden. Since I don't have any gardening experience, I decided to start with just a few tomato and green pepper plants. The green peppers never really had a chance, and died within weeks. The tomatoes, however, thrived despite my unpredictable attention to them. Eventually, the tomatoes had to be removed, for reasons obvious to my neighbors- they became humongous and unruly; my fault completely.

Bipolar disorder causes shifts in a person's mood and energy. Lack of follow through in projects is common. The trick to being bipolar and successful is to know which projects you can take on that will not be affected by your down time. Projects that can be attended to when energy and motivation are high, and then neglected later when energy is low are best.

Had I spent more time with my tomatoes, they would have been prettier and probably would have produced more. I still got dozens of tomatoes, which tasted far better than any you can buy in a store. Creative energy well spent.

You might wonder why the tomatoes were planted in front of the house, where the flower bed should have been. Had they been planted in the back of the house, where a garden is supposed to grow, they would have died; I would have forgotten about them altogether. The green peppers were planted in the back of the house.

Limit Contact With Negative People

Today's advice, for my beloved bipolar friends, is this, "Limit time spent with negative people."
This may sound like cruel advice, especially since we are not always a slice of cherry pie, but it's good advice.

Some people are not affected by people or their problems. They are able to keep clear boundaries between their own emotions and the emotions of others. Us bipolars are not always so fortunate. We tend to be extremely sensitive to the words and actions of others. Our moods are "Iffy" enough, and we must protect ourselves from energy vampires. We can not afford to let others bring us down; we are good enough at doing that ourselves.

On the flip side, surround yourself with happy people. But not only happy people, but also people who seem to have no mood fluctuations at all, people who are so stable they almost bore you to tears. You very well might find one of these super stable friends right by your side to pull you out of your darkest moments. You might learn that they are not so boring after all, but really the best friend you've ever had.

Don't feel too guilty about deserting your cranky and negative friends. I've learned that this type of person enjoys feeling bad. It is a comfort level. Try as you might, you can not change these people. Although they will be there for you when you are depressed, it is not worth it because you will anger them when you are happy.

Not Every Day Will Be A Good Day

In my quest for stability, I sometimes forget, that not every day will be a good day.
I didn't know that I had bipolar disorder until I was in my twenties. Years of emotional ups and downs have taught me to fear the downs.

The dilemma we face is control. We are as much terrified by happiness, as we are by sadness. But, we try much harder to stop the sadness. With bipolar, we can not predict how far our mood will fall off course, and that is a very, very frightening realization.

Those of us who are successful and bipolar, are only successful because we continue to play an active role in our treatment. Bipolar disorder never goes away. For the most part you can control it, but it is with you every second of every day.

I cope with my bipolar first with medications, next with understanding the disorder, then with self knowledge, and last with help from others - such as friends, family, and my therapist. Every successful bipolar has their own preferred method to control the madness.

My so-called normal friends yell, cry, lash out, and complain- all seemingly with no remorse. I,however, try ridiculously hard to smother any negative emotions- perhaps too hard.

I admit tonight I'm feeling blue, but tonight I need to let myself embrace the sadness.

Have A "NO" Day, Bipolar or Not

Once upon a time, I sold my soul to the word "Yes". Perhaps it was low self esteem, or making up for my mental health shortcomings, but I always seemed to say "Ok".

And then one day, I decided to say "No", and to say it all day long. I told everyone I was having a "NO" Day. I pranced around as if in a comedy-like skit, and in the fashion of a 2 year old, smiled and said "No". Ah! what a wonderful day that was. So wonderful in fact, that "NO!" is now my favorite word.

Saying "No" feels so good that I don't even make up excuses anymore.
Saying "No" gives me the time and energy to do what I need to do, and what I want to do.

Since I learned the word no, most of those energy-sucking leaches who once claimed to be my friends have vanished. In their place is now a wonderful husband, a few good woman, family, and my cat.

"NO," I can't lend you twenty bucks. "No," I can't watch your kids. "No," I can't find out for you..." Sorry.

Stop feeling guilty about saying "No." When you stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off, trying to DO for everyone else, you will discover who really needs your help. And guess what, you will have the time and energy to do the things you need to do.

Bipolars Need Not Apply

I recently found myself behind a man's desk, filling out employment papers that stumped me and angered me at the same time.

"Do You Have Any History of Mental Illness?", the application said.

I looked up from the application, and said, "I didn't think they could ask you this". He glanced at me, did a once over, and shrugged his shoulders. Apparently I didn't look like I was mentally ill, so he was not concerned.

I sat there a few seconds more just thinking, stumped- then I said, "I do have a history of mental illness. What should I write?".

He looked shocked. How could this intelligent, well groomed, young woman be mental, he must have been thinking. "Well, you are not schizophrenic or bipolar are you?" he asked. I lied, and said that it was "only" major depression that I "once" suffered from. He let out a sigh of relief and advised me to lie on the papers.

I put the papers in my bag, and told him I'd get them back to him in the morning. I brought those papers home and pondered that question half the night.

The bottom line is that I AM bipolar in every sense of it's definition. And, no, I am not "mildly bipolar" or "cured", etc. etc. Right now I am doing pretty well, but life with bipolar is not always as you hope.

I never did finish that application, I decided to hold onto the safe job I have, at least for now.

Bipolar, Controling Anger

Once upon a time, I decided that I would never "Lose It" again.
I would never get angry, "go off", or say things I didn't mean.
I was experienced enough with my attempts at this to know that drugs, alcohol, pills, etc were not the answer. I decided that the answer to all of life's problems was a nap.

At that time, I was dating a man who had this very special way of making me angry. The anger he invoked in me I simply transformed into long naps. I couldn't have learned this "skill" without him. Napping for me was the perfect solution to all life's problems, I love to sleep.

Several dozen arguments (and naps) later, I found something strange begin to happen to me. The brain is curious thing. When I got upset and my heart began to pound, I would all of a sudden get this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. It was no longer a choice, when I was mad, I HAD to nap. I had somehow conditioned myself, similar to what Pavlov did to his dogs.

Remember Pavlov?
Bell Rings as Dog Sees Food = Dog Drools.
and soon, just ring the bell and dog drools.

Then there was me
Boyfriend yells as I envision bed = I'm tired.
Soon boyfriend yells and I'm tired.
and even stranger, any trigger that makes me angry, and I'm tired.

Moral of the story, this it is not a good idea to nap every time you get angry. It took many years to break myself of this conditioning. I had to learn to accept that anger is an OK emotion, and find proper ways to display it.

Where is that Bipolar Chick?

No, I didn't drop off the face of the earth. Those darn fluctuations of energy hit me again. Sleeping 10-12 hours a day, doesn't leave time for much. I've been focusing on the essentials in life- work, bathing, eating, and sleep.

I really had intended to blog every day, but the bipolar zapped my energy levels again.
The beauty of Bipolar is that What Goes Down, Eventually Flies Back Up!

But, my blogger friends, I will be back. Soon the creative juices will flow again. More Bipolar adventures soon to come. Stay tuned.