Considering that Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder, how do we learn to trust our emotions? All to often, we are too happy or too sad. We are accused or being melodramatic or hypersensitive or "just off". And maybe we are all of those things. We live in an unforgiving world, a world where our social mistakes can have huge consequences. How do we learn to differentiate between acceptable emotions and those brought on by our mood disorder?
I've learned to read people's faces, their body language, the subtle signs. When people smile, I assume it's safe to smile back. When they laugh, I assume it's ok to laugh. I use extreme caution when displaying emotion, especially at work. I'm never the first person to bring up a problem. What if I'm imagining it. Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm never the first person to laugh at a joke. What if the joke is not all that funny. I keep so much inside.
But sometimes I just have to be me and let those emotions fly. I know it's safe to cry in front of my husband. I know I can call my mom if I need to talk. I wish I could trust my emotions, but I'm not there yet. I use extreme emotional restraint, especially at work. I'm somewhat cautious around friends and relatives. I'm starting to take more chances when I blog. I have a few good friends who help keep me in check. It takes real effort not to fall off the deep end, or to fly off the deep end.
I see the world in a really amazing way. I understand emotions in a way that most people can't. This makes me a wonderful listener and a wonderful friend. I can empathize better than Ophra. I know how you feel by the look on your face, and all to often I can feel your pain. I think this gift is something most people with bipolar disorder share. But it is as much of a curse as it is a gift because it makes us different.
Are we hypersensitive, or do we just see the world as it really is? Whatever the answer may be, in order to be bipolar and successful, we must sometimes pretend to see the world as the other 99 percent see it.
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5 comments:
Wow, this is a fascinating post. You have describe us bipolar folk in a way I have not heard before, but I agree. We are hypersensitive. I feel I too can be extremely sensitive to the needs and hurts and joys of others. Sometimes so much that it exhausts me. Never thought of it as a bipolar quality before but you might be right there.
Thanks Wendy.
I'm trying to describe bipolar in a more positive light. One in six of us chooses suicide. I want to connect with the five who have learned to survive.
Ive been battling with my moods for a few years and have been debating with myself and my psychiatrist whether or not I am bipolar (He's not debating, he says I do, and he spotted it in 20 minutes).
I've recently come to understand I have a serious problem with alcohol and pot and I am entering detox tomorrow.
I trying to come up with a plan for post-detox, how to move forward with recovery and I was just curious if there had ever been cases of people being able to successfully deal with bi-polar.
Thank you very much for your blog! I have bookmarked it. This post was amazing to me, you have described my experiences since I started asking the question with accuracy and eloquence. I now do believe I am bipolar, and once I am finished with detox I will be contacting my psychiatrist to get back on my meds.
The primary problem with those meds is just what you described - everything is grey. I feel good - but nothing really catches my interest. I need to talk to him about switching up my drugs and perhaps now that I am no longer drikning (which hugely messed with brain chemistry and the affect of the prescribed meds), maybe I can go back to trying Abilify which was like a like switch for me, but made my legs twitch.
Thank you very much for posting this!!
Todd,
I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner. I hope everything went well with your detox.
I think many, if not most, of us with bipolar disorder choose to self medicate. I have had my struggles in this area, and I have to be careful not to relapse.
After we are sober for a while, we start to learn who we really are. Prescribed medications will not have a chance to work if we are self medicating.
I would worry less about a dignosis, and focus more on a treatment. If Abilify worked for you (turned on a switch), then that might be a direction for you and your doctor to look at. Sometimes med side effects fade after time- like leg twitching.
I think there are many, many people who are successful and bipolar. We don't hear about them due to the stigma attached to the disorder.
I had a great day, super friendly at work, flirted/got flirted with today felt great, had a killer workout and then all of a sudden the extreme sadness hit, usually i have signs that an episode is coming on and can do stuff to lessen the effects or negate it completely but right now i just have a deep feeling of melancholy, sadness, hopelessness, etc, etc...the usual...but surprisingly your blog made me feel a little better. Thanks for being much more eloquent than me and keep it up...
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