You can't look at me and tell that I have bipolar disorder. I look just like everyone else. I take the time to fix my hair, clothes, and makeup before I leave the house (If I can't I just don't leave the house). I smile at everyone I meet. I try to make sure that everyone I run into has just a little bit better day than they would have had without me, or at least that their day is not worse because of me. For the most part, I pull that off.
That's probably the reason it took so long before I got treatment for bipolar disorder. I started complaining to doctors that I felt depressed in my teen years, describing my symptoms with a smile on my face, but it wasn't until I begged for help at the age of 25 that I got help. Even after that, it took years before I was on the path to the right treatment. I was misdiagnosed with depression, and given antidepressants which made me feel wonderful until they fizzed out and I spiraled into the worst breakdown of my life. I'm so good at looking like everything is ok that when I say I'm not ok, I'm often not heard.
I have learned how to put on this public mask in order to maintain as much normalcy in my life as possible. It's so automatic to pretend that everything is ok, that I think my mask is more believable than the layers underneath. When it comes to love, family, work, and just plain living life, this works beautifully, but when it's time for treatment, it's an issue. I believe that doctors delay treatment or undertreat because they simply do not believe me.
Is this an issue for anyone else? I'd love to hear your stories.
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I just found your blog. I was diagnosed two years ago with bipolar 1 (at 47). I don't know how I flew under the radar this long in my life, but I was relieved to that there was a reason behind my extreme mood swings and occasional craziness.
I have my own story, but I can relate to much of what you share. I am have had a successful life and raised some great kids.
I have my own story. But my life has been good and not characterized by some of the very manic episodes most people associate with bipolar. Just mostly very depressed with elevated moods in between and some crazies earlier on in my life.
I was going to post on a blog that I already do, but as you mentioned, there is such stigma. I don't want to be known as Jackie, she's bipolar. I just want to be known as Jackie. Bipolar is not my identity.
Maybe in time bipolar will be better understood and accepted by society.
Thank you for writing positively about the condition. I had kind of given up on finding anything I could relate to.
I am still reading your past posts.
Thanks for a great blog!
I just wanted to say that I could of wrote this blog myself!! No one ever believes me when I tell them I'm bipolar because I always look "normal"! So thank you for this!
I like your blog check mine out!
http://hereiswhereiwanttobe.blogspot.com
Yep, this is spot-on. Although I'd been on antidepressants practically forever, I was told in no uncertain terms that I couldn't possibly be bipolar when my first manic symptoms emerged. Too smart to have that kind of problem, apparently.
Until I started having really major issues with mood swings a year or so ago. At that point, once I learned more about bipolar and how to describe my symptoms, every single mental health professional I saw agreed that I'm bipolar despite my success and ability to hide massive problems.. Go figure.
I think I have the opposite problem; I have therapists and doctors who believe me, but my outside mask is so good, that no one around me who is not my Dr. gets how (and how much)depression affects my life.
"You're doing so well, why don't you go out and get a job/make friends/try something new, you might like it?"
Because my self esteem is so far in the toilet that I can't imagine selling my skills/being interesting/not failing and looking like a doofus in public, that's why.
I *love* the concept of your blog, and will be leafing through it at length. Do you know if anyone has done anything similar for depression?
I am only 17. And today my parents are taking me to go see the doctors.
For years I have been trying to prevent this and i keep getting told that I am "Smart" and that I can "Change who I am".
I haven't been given the chance.
I am worried. If i am Diagnosed what are my options in life? I have been working my best at school for years, I am Smart, I do well at school.
But does this mean that my job choices are going to be dramatically Dropped?
I am so happy to have stumbled upon your blog! I feel like I am not alone. You sound just like me. :') I cannot tell anyone that I am bipolar except close family and one close friend. Those I have tried to be real and matter of fact about it with started to treat and talk to me like I was mentally handicapped or beneath them in some way. All respect is lost of me... So, now I just don't tell and try real hard to reach out during my upswings and reconnect before my mixed and even worse depressed states. When I can't speak to no one. Thanks for putting into words what has been bothering me about being Bipolar I for 10 years.
I'm fairly good at hiding depression until it gets to a certain point, which is really low, and suddenly people are asking what the hell is wrong.
As for mania and even hypomania, that just shines out of me. Usually I don't even want to hide it. If, say, something pisses me off when I'm hypomanic it's really difficult to pretend to feel anything else than what I do, even when I don't particularly want to share my feelings with others.
I had similar troubles to you for years... I first came to a psychiatrist aged 19 or 20 and was pretty depressed; I saw this dr once a month for several months and then his colleague took over. The colleague had a totally different manner and so I sat there smiling, purely in response to his manner and nothing to do with how I felt inside. In fact I was telling him how dysphoric I felt. This man obviously felt I was wasting his time, and as I was committing the crime of smoking cannabis as WELL as being depressed he took me for a stoner loser and chucked me right off his list...
More recently I found that being able to describe weird experiences and symptoms cogently and to express myself in words seemed to make mental health professionals take me less seriously, not more.
It wasn't until I presented in mania severe enough to have me rambling in all different directions, unable to answer a question without changing the subject half way through... all that stuff that FINALLY they saw what I had been complaining about for ages: mood swings that went up as well as down. So I'm there thinking he's going to diagnose me bipolar and he goes one worse and says no you're too floridly psychotic to be just bipolar, it's schizoaffective disorder. All those years of knowing something was wrong yet not being able to name it were over at a stroke.
But I was pretty pissed off with the people I had TOLD for years and years that I heard voices, that I got weird episodes I couldn't explain etc etc and I KNEW they didn't believe me. They even started looking into whether I might have a personality disorder. Do doctors really expect everyone who comes into their consulting room to exaggerate every symptom? Because I really started to suspect that... Then I became really ill and it was a case of actions speaking louder than words and I was diagnosed and judged more on how I said and did things than just what I said. Whatever I was doing that made me seem mad, I didn't know what it was. But I'm like you, when I'm pretty well, nobody knows I'm a mental patient!
I too have become practiced at maintaining a mask of normalcy, not only in public but also in many close interpersonal relationships. The question I have is whether this show of normalcy is the healthy. Although keeping the bipolar compartmentalized from the rest of my life has kept me from suffering the social stigma attached to the disorder and has given me a sense that it hasn’t completely taken over my life, I have had to carry the burden of dealing with it largely in silence and isolation. It takes tremendous energy to keep my “secret.” Recently, I told a few more people about my bipolar; it was a relief for me when they finally knew. So far, almost everyone who knows has been completely supportive and no one has had the sort of negative reaction I feared.
Would talking about the bipolar more openly relieve the stress of hiding my mood swings and would help destigmatize mental illness? I hear the way people talk about others who have bipolar disorder. There’s a huge social stigma attached to it. I’ve been fairly successful in my career and life, and this might improve others’ views about the disorder. Yet if I tell people my “secret,” would many see me primarily as mentally ill or even look for signs that my behavior, opinions, and emotions are a result of the bipolar and therefore untrustworthy. Would I lose credibility? Would I lose others’ respect? Do I care?
So, is it better to keep silent and be thought “normal” or speak out and not carry the burden in such isolation and help destigmatize bipolar? I haven’t decided who to tell and what potential consequences I’m willing to deal with. It would be great to hear about others’ experiences with this.
I have been seeking help / assistance for many years now and one of my most difficult battles is putting on a 'display' when something is actually wrong. I am naturally a very calm and patient person. I am academic andvery driven. Aside from that I am quite 'shy' but really chatty when I feel comfortable in someones presence (this may be part of the reason I find speaking with a professional difficult).
Growing up, I have always had a good relationship with my parents. I have also done a fair bit of modelling work and am well presented (I am a bit of a 'perfectionist' in that sense). These are some of the characteristics that have made it extremely difficult to diagnose any severe problem with me at all.
Although, I feel some 'highs' and 'lows' that are so intense I can no longer function, I manage to hide what I am feeling on the inside extremely well. It has become a refined art for me. Sometimes I say; 'I am just tired' or 'I am not feeling well', or 'this boy is making me sad', quite often to justify a low-mood swing that I can't or don't want to explain. If i ever let on that I am not feeling myself or just don't know what is wrong with me... I feel like people just ask me questions that I can't answer and start to panic when they feel they can't help - this too distresses me. I also feel embarrassed or like people don't quite believe me or take me seriously when I explain my feelings because I can often say the words 'without a tear'. I am also afraid that people will think i am 'negative' or will eventually stop listening because they think I am just complaining. It also hurts me when I feel that they don't understand.
Although my behaviour could be classified as somewhat 'normal' I feel extremely unhappy all the time... I am so unhappy I feel like talking about it just doesn't do it justice. I don't know how to describe my feelings to anyone because when I tell them I am feeling sad they simply try to tell me to 'think positive' or that they don't know how to help. As some professionals do not see the 'erratic' actions on the outside, they do not seem to see there is a significant problem with me at all. I also have some days when I am happy and extremely motivated... which makes people think I am 'ok' again.
And although I am not being reckless with my money/life..... I feel that way on the inside. My ability to be patient enables me to deal with the highs and lows but the extent of the pain and effect it has on my life makes me spiral into a depression. Some of my moods are so intense... I can't remember things that have happened within the space of a few days. I am constantly worn out by my moods and trying to keep up with them.
It is exhausting even seeking help however I feel it is the only way forwards and not an option (your health should slways come first). I have accepted it is a battle and am constantly praising myself for getting as far as what I have. I want to find out more about my illness and what exactly is making me feel the way I do. I would also like to feel more comfortable with talking about my feelings to others and feel as If i can provide people with an explanation as to why I act the way that I do.
Once again it feels good / comforting to read other peoples stories and know that i i am not alone. I feel as if these stories are inspirational and give me strength to keep fighting.
Guys can someone help my wife and I do and say the right things to our 18 yr old son who has just been diagnosed with bipolar - he is suicidal at the moment and has been on a three month drinking binge, which alerted us to the problems. He is in hospital trying to keep it all together and we want to know we are giving him the best support and advice. Thank you
Hi, you just have to be there for him best you can. Ask him how he's feeling and just re-assure him that its ok to feel the way he does and that you'll be there for him regardless. If he doesn't want to talk, don't pry, or force anything, just let him know you're there when he's ready. There may be no easy answer and in time you'll learn best how you can best help him... but maybe speak to someone professional about what to do in your situation, and find out what he may be feeling and as parents what you can do to help...
Yes, I know about 'not looking crazy'. I've worked on that my entire adult life and have a wonderful mask I present to the world. I am successful, a teacher. To outsiders (people other than my husband and very close family) I am, if not normal (I'm an artist after all), then eccentric or interesting in quite acceptable ways.
My dear husband met me just after I had the worst breakdown in my life. I was out of control, no meds were working, paranoid with wildly cycling moods. This man met me, stayed with me, dated me, and took care of me. He saw the worst possible side of me (heh, we're talking me screaming on the floor clawing at the carpet till my fingers bled for starters). Amazingly, he told friends of his who asked him if he really wanted to get involved with someone like me that yes he did, that he thought he could help. He did help. I would not have succeeded as a teacher or even in having a fairly normal life if he had not made such an incredible decision.
Fortunately, we've found a combination of meds that work (after being on a combo that sometimes worked and created a 60 lb weight gain).
So there it is. A normal, successful life is possible for someone with bi polar. The key is to not give in to despair.
I am living a lie.. No one has any remote idea that something might be wrong with me. My mask is concealing my disordered personality but it is also preventing me from breathing.
I agree with you Amy. I find it very difficult to get the help I really need when I'm ill. I actually believe that the psych thinks I'm faking it all and so these thoughts prevent me from being sincere especially as well as just being ill makes it harder to do anything never mind communicate effectively!
I seem to get a lot of involuntaty conflicting and critical thoughts when I'm ill which I think are due to the different emotions and feelings my bipolar brings on and then when im well again they seem for the most part to go away or at least be controlled. Does anyone else experience this?? Therefore I try a lot of the time to act normal and try not to think all these different things when I'm I'll and it's ALWAYS a losing battle.
Thank u for your blog Amy! It does make me feel positive about things because I know too that u can be biploar and successful. I have recently qualified as a nurse and am really proud of my achievements and coping with this mental illness.
It is like watching a loved one being tortured by an illness without being able to help. Where do you go for help, it seems impossible to find it. The Doctors just don't get it! I have a daughter that is like all of you, smart, beautiful, she works and she is dying on the inside with no help in sight. Dr after Dr and now we are considering going to the hospital. She needs a little sleep, someone to monitor these meds for awhile to find the best option so atleast she can function to do the rest. To all the family members out there struggling year after year to try and help, I know how you feel. It seems to me there should be a roadmap to follow for treatment. I keep hearing all the stories that not until someone reaches 30, or 40 are they really being helped at all. That seem criminal to me. If 1 in 6 have a mental illness, why isn't treated like cancer or heart desease? Today is a bad day, my daughter is hopeless and I don't know what to do anymore....
Amy, thanks for your story and this theme. Yes, I know this secretiveness and covering up so well. I practiced it for a full 13 years, as part of my denial, after the first major manic episode in 1987. It's a long story, and if I may, would like to link people to the full story on my site: http://livingbipolar.webs.com/mystory.htm
(p.s. if you have a policy against not allowing other links, it's fine if you remove this.)
Hello everyone. I just read the blog comments and I can totally relate to how you all feel.I was just recently diagnose this month with Bipolar. I've been on the gamete of depression meds that did little to help me.However, I hope I'm on the right road now.I will definitely keep reading this blog for support. Gabriel.
Finally. I have bipolar and no one would ever ever suspect it. The only ppl that know are my husband and sister and one other person. I don't look ”crazy” at all. I'm thin, attractive and really into style....so I always look put together. But i'm not always together on the inside. I work full time as a medical professional and can function at work while thinking about suicide constantly.
I guess I'm thankful that I'm a strong person though. I do have a good life :)
This is excellent. Thanks for "bringing together" all these success stories, Amy. It's simply uplifting to read some the comments.
Old post but people still google! For me I used to look crazy, I used to think just going with it was okay even good so getting the medications wasn't an issue at all but overtime I've grown up and learned that faking it is a great strategy. In the worst times I can still maintain my successes and develop strategies to face adversity which means in normal moods if something awful happens I can react with my wits about me. Emotional ups and downs don't phase me! I've been off medications for 6 months now and doing very well even too because I learned to fake it and just be in the moment where I am without the weight of the bipolar monsters on my brain or at least being able to ignore that colorful bastard.
Completely relate to the "Public Mask" Im 25 with schizoaffective disorder, Have my own successful business, dont think I could work for someone as I can be so up and down all the time, thankful I have cool blogs like these to relate to so i dont feel so alone in it :)
Hey.
I was diagnosed of having Bipolar I when I was 16. Nobody knows this (except for my psychiatrist, of course!).
Thanks for blogging! I think you're doing good.
In a primitive sense, everybody's got problems. In fact, we have 'real' problems. The others who think they are so 'special and sane' should just stop 'name-calling' us. What's up with that? I have bipolar, so what? People don't make such a fuss over having, maybe, arthritis or something. I tried to ignore others.
Medications did help me; but the side-effects became another problem!
Following a schedule and making priorities, optimistic attitude is helping me. Basically, we have to help ourselves.
I still believe that we should chase after our ambitions; that makes us what we are. Bipolar's a super-big hurdle. We can manage it. It's really hard, when compared to others. Initially, I did only the necessities, now I 've been able to do more than my necessities, the pace is really slow but it's okay. At least, it'll make us feel our importance.
Bipolar artists on Etsy - https://www.etsy.com/teams/14903/bipolar-artists
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