Bipolars, We Don't Always Take Our Medication

Us bipolars don't always take our medications. This is, perhaps, the most frustrating quality about us. Those who love us, and those who try to fix us, just can't stand it. If we know that we will be "better" if we take our meds, then why don't we just take them? Easy Answer-because a medicated life is boring for us bipolars, and we are addicted to the highs and sometimes even the lows. Bipolar medications are not fun to take, the side effects are a huge drag, and when we start taking medications we don't know who we are anymore.

That said, I take Lamictal daily for my bipolar. Without Lamictal, I would not be able to function on most days. Had I not accepted my fate as the ultimate psychiatric guinea pig, I would be worse off. Bipolar drugs tend to make you gain weight, make you feel exhausted, and take the joy out of your life, until you find one that works. For me, my match was Lamictal. For you, it will probably be something else.

Before I started taking medication for my Bipolar, I was an avid writer and poet. You will learn that our most famous artists had one mental illness or another. As soon as I started taking my medication, I lost my ability to write. I also lost my sex drive, gained 40 pounds, and slept all the time. I could accept everything else, but not the loss of my creative spirit. So, I skipped a pill here and there. Then went off my medications for a week or two. This pattern of medication non-compliance lasted for years. Even with my "match", Lamictal, I still can't say that I am 100 percent compliant. I need to be.

I have many memories of my former self. Most bad, but many good. Sometimes I will come across a picture of my former self, smiling so brightly, and miss that girl so badly. Still, there are other images, mostly in my mind, where life was not so good.

I relate closely with the addict, or the alcoholic that thinks he can have "just one". I understand. The addicts have a twelve step program, and maybe we need one too. In fact, I went to several AA meetings, just to understand addiction. Most helpful is the AA step to take an honest and thorough Moral Inventory of yourself. The most difficult, is to begin to make amends.

So yes, it will be difficult at first. You will have to reinvent yourself. In the end, you will be a successful bipolar, and will learn to live a happy and fullfilling life. Don't give up; keep working with your doctor, your friends, and your family.

Ideas Girl

My husband calls me "Ideas Girl". My psychiatrist calls it "Flight of Ideas," a symptom of my bipolar. I prefer the title "Ideas Girl", and I kinda like it.

I am blessed to have a husband who listens to my ramblings, and steals them from me to make a good buck. It improves our quality of living, and I also feel great pride because I was a part of this. He is able to filter out the good ideas from the bad ones. I start projects, but rarely finish them. I have a hundred projects going on at once, he picks 5 or 10 of these projects and finishes them for me.

You see, I am creative, and my husband is diligent. My high school math teacher tried to teach me diligence by making me write its definition 100 times. I still remember it word-for-word. Diligence: A constant, earnest effort to achieve a task undertaken.
Needless to say, this was not the cure.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. The key to success is to embrace your strengths- your abilities- and to find accommodations that will allow you to proceed despite your shortcomings.

The love / hate relationship with life

Of the many dilemmas of bipolar, perhaps the most difficult of all, is the love/hate relationship with life. There are days when we don't value life, days when we don't enjoy it, and sometimes we even consider ending it. In depression, darkness surrounds us; pain stabs us through the heart. In mania, there are moments when we embrace every second, as if it were our last, and we love life like we never thought was possible. The colors become so beautiful, circles of light embrace the soul. Yes, we have good days and bad days, like nobody else. The intensity of what we feel is indescribable and unpredictable.

To love life so intensly one moment, and to despise it so greatly the next, can bring about feelings of guilt and shame. How do we keep the color in our life? Medications can numb us and make our world turn grey. Our environment can trigger us into mania or depression. After fighting this battle for years, charting our mood - not too high, not too low - we become afraid to feel at all. We struggle, wondering if our feelings are appropriate for the situation.

They say that people who have cheated death learn to love life in a whole new way. Major depression feels so much like death, and I have come out of it a hundred times. Every time I concour depression, the colors come back and I love life more than ever.