Of the many dilemmas of bipolar, perhaps the most difficult of all, is the love/hate relationship with life. There are days when we don't value life, days when we don't enjoy it, and sometimes we even consider ending it. In depression, darkness surrounds us; pain stabs us through the heart. In mania, there are moments when we embrace every second, as if it were our last, and we love life like we never thought was possible. The colors become so beautiful, circles of light embrace the soul. Yes, we have good days and bad days, like nobody else. The intensity of what we feel is indescribable and unpredictable.
To love life so intensly one moment, and to despise it so greatly the next, can bring about feelings of guilt and shame. How do we keep the color in our life? Medications can numb us and make our world turn grey. Our environment can trigger us into mania or depression. After fighting this battle for years, charting our mood - not too high, not too low - we become afraid to feel at all. We struggle, wondering if our feelings are appropriate for the situation.
They say that people who have cheated death learn to love life in a whole new way. Major depression feels so much like death, and I have come out of it a hundred times. Every time I concour depression, the colors come back and I love life more than ever.
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2 comments:
Oh my, I understand this too well! I am presently medicated to the point that I don't have the mood swings I used to have. Most of the time I am thankful for that, but sometimes I miss being excited about life!
Wow! This is the most helpful thing I've run into so far!
I am bi-polar and refused to believe it for over two years. The older I get, the more bi-polar swings I get. I hope my future will in fact be brighter. Your blog has been very helpful in the meantime.
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