Bipolar, I Usually Just Pretend To Be Normal

I spend most of my time just trying to be normal. I find other ways to describe my illness. To friends and aquantances I might admit, "I get a little bit of depression from time to time," but I'd never say "I'm full on Bipolar." When filling out medical forms, I either check the box "Depression" or, if I need to request a medication to treat bipolar, I might write "Mood Disorder," but never Bipolar.
I simpily haven't had good results when admitting I'm bipolar.
Readers of this blog, My Friends, you may only know me as Amy; but I share with you, and only you, my bipolar.

It's easier to just make up better excuses for my behavior. I stay up late because I'm taking a class and I'm loaded with homework. I sleep late because I've just never been a morning person. I can't focus because I've just been worrying so much about my dad's health. The laundry's not done because I've just been so busy. And so on. It's good to have a lot of projects your appear to be working on, and a lot of books you appear to be reading laying around. It's all about appearances. People are much more accepting of unexplained oddness than they are of bipolar. When faced with bipolar, people think, oh no, will she shave her head like Britney Spears, unravel then overdose like Amy Winehouse, or end her life like Kurt Cobain?

I have been trying to be more social in times when I am well. I invite myself over to visit friends. I plan last minute parties and invite old friends and new aquantences. I try to stay just social enough to look normal and sometimes it even helps me feel normal too. Also when I make efforts to be social during these times, I find that people are more tolerant of me when I sink into my quiet, sad, withdrawn states.

If it werent' for my husband, I probably wouldn't try as hard. I sometimes notice that my husband spends so much time and effort trying to make sure I'm ok, that he neglects his own needs. I don't think he even realizes that he's doing it. He mentioned to me the other day that he doesn't have as many friends as he used to and he misses that. I'd like to have more friends too. It's something we both plan to make an effort towards, together.

If you do openly discuss your bippolar, especially with casual friends or coworkers, I think the worst thing you can do is share your bipolar in a completly negative light. People will tire of that quickly. If you decide to talk about bipoplar, people might be intrigued but they certainly won't want to hear sad, and especially long and sad stories. I think we need to save those talks for people who love us the most. We can also do what people have been doing for thousands of years and pour our emotions into work or art.

Bipolar, You Can't Control Everything

Bipolar is a serious illness, and managing it takes quite a lot of effort and control. We try to control our sleeping patterns, our work schedules, the things we eat, the times we take our medications, and so on. And often times it works, our efforts to control our world keep us sane. By controlling our world, we avoid our triggers. It's when we find ourselves in a situation that we can not control that we don't know what to do.

Take for example job loss. Job loss is a very difficult situation for the average person, but a person with bipolar often assumes it's a personal failure; the end of success. When we face something that makes us feel as uncomfortable as this, we become even more structured and vow to make sure it never happens again. Hopefully, this will take a positive direction, such as going back to school.

There will always be things that we cannot control, and these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress. If we want to be bipolar and successful, we have no choice but to make a reasonable effort to control our environment. Yet at the same time, we need to be tolerant towards the things we can not control, particularly the desires and actions of other people. We can influence many things, but some things are simply beyond our control. We can't control people and we cant' change the past.

Lack of Psychiatrists and Bipolar

Had it of been easier to find a good Psychiatrist, I would probably still have a job. The anxiety and depression got the best of me a few months ago, and I couldn't cope with things like long hours, increased workload, and a negative boss. It affected my work performance and I was strongly persuaded to pack up my things. (Which by the way, I learned that if you give into these tactics, you don't get unemployment) These are things that most people can cope with, but for people with bipolar, it's pretty hard. I've been off for about four months now, and in all honestly, my time has been spent either moping around or jumping from one little project to the next. I'm not homeless yet because I have a supportive husband who has picked up the slack. You are probably thinking, so what's successful about that? It isn't, but even the best of us find outselves here from time to time. I've moped for about 4 months, and I'm ready to put myself out there again and find another job.

I knew this was coming. I knew I was going to have a breakdown, and I even told my Psychiatrist about it. I was like a ticking time bomb. She really didn't care, and told me that I do this to myself, as she handed me the same old script. I called around to other Psychiatrists in my area, but nobody was taking new patients. I talked to my husband, but he didn't know what to do either. Eventually I landed myself in a meeting with the top dogs of the company, and walked out crying like a baby. I know, how successful is that? I felt better when I got onto my favorite bipolar chatroom- http://www.bipolarworld.net/Community/webchat.html - and asked if anyone else had a meltdown at work. I got quite a bit of support there, and heard some job loss stories, some that made me chuckel. It's good to know that you are not alone.

Still, it's quite a shame that it had to come to this. I truely believe that this could of went another way. Had I been thinking clearly, I might have asked to go part time. I might have asked for a family medical leave. I might have been able to do something to keep my job.

Just this week, I got some relief in the most unlikely place- a walk in clinic. The doctor prescribed me a very small dose of Xanax 0.25 mg that she suggested I take before going places I would otherwise avoid- like a job interview. This has been controlling my social anxiety, and I've only taken 2 this week. She warned me about the potential risks of addiction, and she asked me to come back in two weeks to discuss a more long range treatment plan such as adding Buspar or and SSRI.

There are still some questions I have:
1. How do you get affordable Psychiatric care when you don't have insurance?
2. What is the best treatment for disabling social anxiety that comes and goes?
3. How do you find a good Psychiatrist who is actually taking new clients?

I do read all of your posts and comments

Just wanted to let everyone know that I do read all of your posts and commements. Getting feedback is the number one thing that keeps me writing.

Thank You!

Bipolar- It helps to learn skills that most people don't have

If you have bipolar disorder, or for that matter any disability, it helps to learn skills that most people don't have. You will make mistakes at work, and you will do things to upset people- it is just part of the disorder. Maybe for you, your Achilles' heel is missing too much work, maybe it is lack of emotional stability- but we all have problems at work. If we want to keep our job, and maybe even move up the ladder, we need to work a little harder than everyone else. We need to make ourselves irreplaceable.

I hate the term, "In this economy," but lets face it, it's a little rough out there right now. There are plently of minimum wage jobs out there, but they don't pay the rent, let alone our medications. We need to figure out a way to survive, which is why so many people with bipolar disorder resort to a life of semi-poverty and collect a small disability check. I am hopeful that there is a better way.

I have had quite a few ups and downs in my career, in all honestly, these past few months have been a bit of a downswing; I got laid off. I have no plans on giving up. There will be another job for me around the corner.

Whether you have a job, or are looking for a job, the most important thing you can do for yourself is to sharpen up your skills. Spend a few hours every week learning a new skill. Most "normal" people neglect to do this and this is how we can compete and stay marketable.

Good luck to all of you bipolars, and keep your chin up. Life is filled with ups and downs. We can do this!

Bipolar- Learn to Let Go

Those of us who are bipolar tend to be a little hard on ourselves. Not only do we have trouble with mood, but also with judgement. So, when we make a life changing decsion, we run through it in our mind a thousand times. Learn to let go. If you've made a decision, if you've quit a job or ended a relationship, don't dwell on it. Life is full of trial and error. Some decisions are good, others are bad, but how will we learn if we don't allow ourselves some room for mistakes.

Life is also full of second chances. Unless you commited a perminent act, such as murder, you can almost always go back and try again. More often than not though, going back is a mistake. I've stormed out of jobs, and regretted it. I've broken engagements with men I thought I loved. I've gone back, often years later to try to patch these relationships and try again. In a clear light and with stable mood, I saw that I had moved on, that those relationships were not right for me anymore. So, let go of regrets.

Our intense moods give us a bit of an advantage over stable people. We see things in full color, especially when we are depressed. If something looks good when we are depressed, then you betcha it's going to look fantastic when we are feeling fine. So give yourself a little credit. Forgive yourself. You are exactly where you are in life for a reason. You're life might be a bit of a bipolar roller coaster ride, but nobody can say that you didn't live it to the fullest.

Bipolar- I Prefer to Be Sad Alone

When I'm really sad, I prefer to be alone. More than anything else, I don't want anyone to look at me or touch me. I don't want anyone to hear the sadness in my voice. I need to be alone until I'm ready to cope.

Sadness can sometimes turn into depression, but not always. We all have our own ways of dealing with sadness. Some people reach out to others and want to talk out their problems. Others, like me, prefer to lick their wounds alone.

If your living with someone who has bipolar, it's important to talk about what to expect and discuss the best way to deal with bipolar symptoms before they happen. It doesn't have to be a guessing game.

It's hard to watch someone suffer with sadness, grief, or depression. A normal human reaction is to want to reach out and help. Another normal reaction is to long to slip away, and hope when you come back the mood has passed. Often what you want to do, isn't what the bipolar person needs to get better. Having the talk can do wonders for a relationship.

Loving someone with bipolar isn't always easy, but sometimes it is.