Some days my brain doesn't work like it should. It's hard for me to think, my mind races, I can't focus on much. Still, there are certain tasks that I'm expected to complete every day, some as simple as putting on clean clothes, some as complicated as solving other peoples' problems at work. When I have too many of these days, people start to notice. I've found that being organized not only helps me cope, but also keeps the attention off me and makes me look more sane.
On days when I feel well, I take extra measures to get myself organized and make sure things are in order. Paper makes me crazy- stacks of paper, sticky notes, scraps of paper- first I get rid of the paper. Whenever possible, I scan large documents onto my computer, and toss the hard copy. Usually those sticky notes and scraps of paper are "to do" items, so I write them in my planner. Throw away some paper, it will make you feel better.
Little things that don't bother anyone else, things that wouldn't bother me on a day when I was feeling well- those things can literally imobilize me. Something as small as not having a pen and paper on my desk can ruin my entire day; some days I am unable to solve a problem that small. I have a lot of black clothes in my closet because some days I can't focus enough to match clothes.
You would think that on a day that I can't locate a pen and paper or color cordinate clothes that I should just give up and do nothing. Today is one of those days for me, but I did get some things accomplished. I wrote this blog article, even though I wasn't sure if I could. I did some routine tasks at work, tasks that on most days I would find boring. There were some more complicated things I was asked to do today, and they are on my list for Monday.
On days like today, I would rather stay home and in bed; I really would. I do fear that someone will notice that I'm "off", and sometimes they do. But, I do as much as I can at work and for my family, and so far that has been enough for everyone.
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Hi Amy,
I'm a college student diagnosed with Bipolar I during my sophomore year. I didn't accept my illness or take it seriously for two years, which meant I embarrassed myself and damaged my image and reputation at school in a big way. Finally, I was forced to take a year off by the school administration to sort myself out and it worked.
During my gap year, I came to accept my illness and began heavily researching the illness. One thing that worries me is that there do not seem to be many success stories, except vague references to their "under-cover" existence due to stigma. And while skipping around in your blog, I read that you are laid off too. How and where can I find more success stories, if they do indeed exist? I need concrete examples so that I can learn from them (I already read Dr. Jamison's book that's beaten to death).
Do you know any individuals I can get in touch with? Is there a secret "successful bipolars" club or society? If not, I would like to start one after I reach my own milestones but how would I go about recruiting people/tracking people down? And to reach my own milestones, I need to learn from the experience of predecessors.
Success, for me, means more than managing my illness; I want career success. I don't want this illness to change my life plans. Throughout my life, I have been a high-achieving individual who was always at the top of the game. I translated a book and published it when I was 13, attended the most expensive private high school in my country (I'm not American) on scholarship and currently attend an Ivy-League school where I am a varsity athlete as well.
Mid-senior year, I have an amazing internship lined up with a leading international firm in my field of interest, but I am extremely concerned already about completing it successfully because the work is really intense (i.e. fast-paced, long-hours and people-skill-oriented). In fact, I'm extremely concerned that I would complete it successfully and then they would make me a job offer. What then? Will I be able to manage a lifetime of intensity that my career of choice entails? Can I carry on with my plan and go into this field? To shed more light without revealing too much: the field i'm entering is about as intense as i-banking or being a doctor.
I really need someone to talk to about this who has experience. Are there successful - as I've defined it - bipolars in fields other than the arts? There seem to be a lot in the arts - naturally - but I need examples from business. I was told they exist, but where are they? How can I get in touch with them? And HOW DO THEY DO IT?
Thank you.
When I was first diagnosed with bipolar, I was pretty open about it with coworkers. Often when I talked about my struggles, I would be told about others who also had it. Sometimes the person I told would admit to me that they were also bipolar.
When I worked in social services, it seemed like almost every coworker had some mental illness!
I would bet a good number of psychiatrists have bipolar. I'm pretty positive mine does. She's pretty successful.
I was discussing this topic with the director of our local nami, who is also bipolar, and we agreed that people with bipolar tend to thrive as business owners. I am currently doing computer programming for a small business owned by me and my husband.
I hope this helps. I also wish more people with bipolar who are successful would speak up.
I still have ups and downs, but I do believe that I've learned to be just as successful as I would have been without bipolar. I'm earning much more as a business owner than I ever could have made teaching.
Bipolar changed my life plan, but I'm still doing all right.
Thanks for the prompt response, Amy; you can probably guess my current location, which also happens to be my home country, from your blog's stat board. I agree with you in that I wish more successful manic depressive individuals spoke up, but the stigma is too great of a problem for individuals at mid-level positions or in positions highly dependent on reputation/relationships (and I understand why the stigma is so great too, since I myself became extremely irritable and violent during my last episode...I became psychotic and delusional). Therefore, I don't blame them but I wish they would at least maintain an anonymous blog, like you, that provides advice. After I reach a certain level of success, I think I would like to start a secret society for professionally successful bipolars; we would fundraise and invest in bipolar research and provide support to each other...like a sorority or frat of bipolars. Haha...but maybe I'll start with a blog. However, I currently have no stories or experience to share since I'm just starting out and all of my current accomplishments were pre-onset. I have yet to complete my final year of college, my internship etc.
I'm very glad to hear about your success. Social services seem to be quite open to the condition as is psychiatry. Self-employment makes perfect sense, since we have better control over our schedule and workload. My mummy read about a schizoaffective individual who also owns his own business (coincidentally, in computer science also) and has also completed a PhD in physics etc. He now owns a huge house and is married with children. However, that does not help me much since I have to work for others in a very inflexible, structured environment. I read about Jared Dillian, the ex-stockbroker for Lehman Brothers pre-collapse, but his story's not very encouraging either, since he became delusional on the job and had to quit in the end. I need to hear about a consistent, sustained success working within the system and structure...like "normal" (silly term) people.
For now, I'll keep searching, keep trying and continue to live mindfully. I doubt I will disclose my condition as you suggested, as I can imagine the backlash being substantial. Over time, I've learned that being bipolar is no trite matter socially. I have had people deliberately spread information about my illness to not only sabotage my success but also my family members' - my dad nearly lost a huge promotion recently due to rumours regarding my condition. If even association with an individual with mental illness can have such negative consequences, imagine what actually having the disease could lead to. I admire your openness and the open-mindedness of your co-workers, but that's not my environment.
I'll continue to read your blogs. I return to school in the winter (we're on the quarter system so I can start whenever) and will do more research through my psychiatrist in the States. Maybe I'll track down other students with bipolar at my school for starters. I'll keep you posted if I find out anything interesting. Till then, adieu Amy.
P.S. Perhaps the solution lies in successful individuals who have bipolar "coming out of the closet" at the end of their careers when there are little to no professional consequences.
If this helps, I can usually pull off three full years in a high stress job where I am expected to be on all the time.
I would expect that with treatment you should be able to get through a year internship without too much trouble.
I also have a friend with bipolar that went 7 years in a high stress, very high paying job.
Bipolar cycles.
Although I learned about others who are bipolar by coming out, I no longer tell people about my illness, and don't think it's wise to do so. There are people who will try to use it against you.
The key to your success will probably be finding ways to take time off when needed.
You will know when you need some time off, and if you ignore it you will have a breakdown.
A breakdown will hurt you career much worse than a little down time.
Interesting. What happened to your friend who held on for 7 years after? Is he/she doing okay now? Would it be alright to share in what field he/she was? What was her schedule like?
What happened after your three years? How did you handle the situation?
My field of interest involves working long hours (the actual time is 9-6 but everyone works from 7am-10pm on a lot of days) every day and possibly on the weekends. It's project-oriented so we go from project to project. There's a high amount of travel involved but that can be avoided or minimised if I only accept local projects.
I wholly agree with the downtime. And I found regular exercise and quality sleep to be crucial as well. I'm thinking of upping my dosage a few months before I start my internship and keeping it there permanently if it works. I'm currently on the minimal amount possible and I feel I can handle more, if it will make things safer. The only noticeable side-effect so far has been weight gain but I'm fighting it the best I can by exercise and a healthy diet. Push comes to shove, who cares about being skinny when sanity is on the stakes is my principle...although I do miss being skinny.
My friend owned a company in which he employed about a dozen caseworkers. He did everything from training, to billing, to covering for his employees when they quit or took time off.
He fell in love with the money, and kept putting more on his plate. He started playing around with his medications because he missed the energy of hypo mania.
He became manic and loved that too. Left his wonderful wife for an 18 year old girl. Lost everything.
He then went into a terrible depression and can barely hang onto a minimum wage, low stress job.
He's an extremely intelligent man though and he will come back.
My last job was a three year contract. I was happy when that i was able to pull through to the end. After it ended I was offered several other contracts but opted to work with my husband instead.
Correction, after the tree year contract, I did try another job which I wrongly assumed would be low stress. I lasted 3 months and has a bit of a meltdown and walked out. I have more or less blocked it from my mind. I feared that it might blackball me from the field, but was told that the owner pushes a lot of people's buttons and I'm not the 1st to leave that way.
That's very encouraging to hear, although I almost feel like I forced it out of you haha. I'm just desperate for success stories, I suppose. Some very unpleasant stories and literature out there, Amy, not to mention my own horrifying experience. I'm bent on making mine a success story though.
Sometimes I worry that I'm a misdiagnosed schizoaffective because I don't "miss my highs" like they write so much about. If anything, I dread any sort of relapse and take my medication religiously. I've been elevated by simple things like rain or sunrise and get suicidally depressed occasionally, but I'm more prone to getting psychotic/delusional, irritable and paranoid with sporadic but massive anxiety attacks. Perhaps the missing is for Bipolar II hypomanics; I hear they get quite the kick and productivity out of their experience. I simply despise my condition and see it as the worst thing to hit me yet. Sometimes I fail to see God's logic and justice.
Btw, are you BP I or BP II? Do you have children? I heard that the odds of one's child being bipolar are 10% if either one of the parents is bipolar. And the odds for the conditions that often accompany bipolar - anxiety disorder, ADD and depression - are twice as much as the general population, meaning around 50% since the odds are over 20% for the general population. Worrying fact.
Did you meet your spouse before your onset, or did your illness start after you were married? I worry quite a bit about finding a suitable partner. I don't really want to settle just because someone is willing to overlook my illness. I still want to date within my league and reciprocate the feelings, but now I wonder if that is still possible (haven't tested out anything yet and have been avoiding serious relationships to prevent getting attached and then getting hurt)...I wonder if people with choices will choose the healthy girls because men tend to be more rational and can overlook their feelings with more ease than women (sexist, I know but unfortunately, it can be true in most cases)....what are your thoughts, Amy?
It's not really that you had to pull it out of me, but more that I had to try to remember. As time goes on, we tend to invent memories, and remember some things the way we want to remember them. I think that is human nature.
I was going to mention that quite a few people have commented on my posts who have various jobs and success stories. I have learned quite a bit from the comments people have written on my blog posts. Also, you might want to look at my followers, many of them have blogs of their own. I was also desperate for success stories, and that is why I started this blog.
I have bipolar II. I struggle mostly with depression and low energy. However, I also have mixed states with anxiety, and scattered, irrational thoughts. Hypomania for me was wonderful. I was extremely happy, extremely creative and productive with Hypomania. I still experience both mild depression and mild hypomania.
What medications do you take? I take lamictal and buspar. This is the drug combination that makes me feel most "normal". I've taken other mood stabilizers that worked a little too well and made me feel like a robot. Lithium completely flattened my moods. I was never really happy, and never really sad. I hated it. It was easy to work while on lithium though. I did what needed to be done, like a robot.
I met my husband 7 years after I learned that I was bipolar. I told him that I was bipolar within the 1st month of our relationship, just as I learned that he was getting attached to me. I tried to warn him that life with me would not always be easy. It never mattered to him. He was already in love. He is an amazing person and extremely sane! He's definitely within my league in every way. He's a very handsome, intelligent, and hard-working man.
When I was single, I never had any problems finding a date. Men are not rational when it comes to sex or love.
I do not have children because I never really enjoyed kids. I always hoped I would change my mind, but I never did.
You mentioned the weight gain, and I was thinking I need to address that in a future blog post. I am usually close to my desired weight, but struggle at times. Counting calories helps. The medications I've taken over the years have certainty affected my metabolism, along with just getting older.
It's fortunate that you have Type II. Type I is worse because we get delusional and psychotic. How I hate that.
I take Lithium but a very minimal doze - 300mg - which means I don't get robotic. As a result, I do experience mild depression and mild irritation or highs - last night, for instance. However, I plan to up my dose once I get back to the States and things get stressful; my school is very rigorous. I'm also on a varsity team and am a member of a sorority so that just really makes things intense.
I had some trouble finding medication that works. I was on Lamictal, Depakote and Abilify before; none were very effective. Lamictal gave me awful breakouts on the forehead so I quit that even though it worked a tad. I used to be very vain about my appearance.
I also took Bupropion with Depakote for the depressive side but that triggered a manic episode. I took Trazedone for sleeping sometimes but I OD-d on it once as a suicide attempt. I doubt they'll prescribe that again. They tried Zyprexa while I was hospitalised but oddly, even the smallest dose made me pass out so they stopped.
I'm very surprised about how effective Lithium has been since it's such a tiny dose. My doctor in the States suspects i'm going through a natural remission and wants to up my dose as soon as I get there for precautionary measures and I've agreed, since I've been wanting to up my dose anyway for other reasons.
I've been stable for nearly 7 months so far. Not completely stable, of course, but the pendulum has not been swinging dramatically.
Yes the annoying thing about Lithium is that it slows one's metabolism - something to do with slight thyroid damage. It's also bad for the kidneys and I already have poor kidneys so it's concerning. I also drink like an elephant because I'm always thirsty now. So I don't know...maybe the 300mg of lithium is doing it's job and I'm just hyper-sensitive to meds. I'm going to try up my dose just to be careful though...better safe than sorry.
Good luck on your weight battle. For the first time in my life, I bought a scale. I also use thinspirations but not the scary ano ones but athletic ones. I also avoid junk food and carb-indulgence a great deal. I had my first ice-cream in 6 months two days ago. Cheers!
Hi Amy, I'm back in the US. My lithium dosage is now up to 1350mgs with a blood content of 0.8; we're keeping it here. Things continue to be okay except for the fact that I cannot seem to stop thinking about myself in terms of my illness...I think about my illness multiple times a day every day (how my past/bipolar actions have damaged my image etc), which is really annoying, and I wondered if you were able to separate yourself from you illness and just...live your life. My shrink thinks it's a mourning period but I wonder if it will ever be over given that I have to take my meds EVERY day and consciously sleep early and avoid drinking and coffee etc in light of my illness....it just seems to be all around me and everywhere. Hope you are doing okay. You've discontinued your blog. Oh and I quit smoking too. Haven't smoked in over a month. Cheers,
I'm doing well, thanks! I've had a bit of writer's block.
Congratulations on the smoking!!!!!!!!!! The first month is the hardest. It's mostly downhill from here. I'll never forget how hard it was for me, but best thing I ever did.
You mention that you dwell on your past mistakes. I do that sometimes myself. To remind myself not to, I wrote this-
http://bipolarandsuccessful.blogspot.com/2010/09/bipolar-learn-to-let-go.html
There are times that I think about bipolar every day, and every second of that day. Yet, more often than not, I hardly think of it at all- thus the huge gaps in my blog.
Almost everyone has something that slows them down. For us, it's bipolar- For "Normal people" any of these: illness, weight, drugs, children, abusive relationships, fear, poverty, attitude, not giving a shit... What choice do you have but to go on?
By the way, my latest goal was to get back to my goal weight. I am almost there, thus proving to myself that one can take meds and be HOT. I will blog about my journey as soon as I'm done.
That's fantastic!!!!! I hope you get there. I know you will, Amy. If you're strong enough to successfully deal with bipolar disorder, you can be strong enough to get fit. I found going on a high-protein, low or no carb diet really helpful. I also don't eat anything past six (and absolutely no carbs past noon). I usually have a huuuge breakfast involving eggs and meat and then have salads for the rest of the day. When I get really hungry past six, I drink herbal tea or have a fruit, which reminds me that I snack A LOT during the day on fruits. I had 3 apples, 2 bananas and 2 cups of pineapples yesterday, for instance. I'm currently at my target and healthy wieght: 138 lbs. I'm 5 ft 7.
I know exactly how discouraging the meds can make getting/being in shape. I used to took risperdal for an extended period during my last episode and it made me ravenous. I couldn't stop eating, and I bet it slowed my metabolism as well. Anyway, best of luck with fitness and everything else. I still haven't smoked and don't even get cravings anymore, which is a wonder.
Cheers,
Haha I just scrolled back and realised I posted just when I was beginning MY diet. Haha. So yeah, it went really well too. Still drinking like an elephant though.
Hi there,
this post and these comments are exactly what i'm struggling with at the moment. I had my dream job and then things got weird a couple years ago. I have now been diagnosed with BP1 and have been in and out of hospital (for delusions, manic behaviour, etc). I had to disclose to my boss that something was wrong because I was acting very out of character (not the way one is to speak/act around their boss). They had decided to do a performance review after a few of my outbursts but the only thing that saved me was that I'd already begun the search for a good psych who by the time I saw him immediately had me admitted to hospital. (the company couldn't fire me for needing to go to hospital)
I have a business degree from one of the top uni's in the country and am about to embark on an MBA. I was made redundant about a year after things got weird at my dream job which sent me into a bit of a tizz. I'm very career orientated and haven't been able to get much luck finding a job since. So I've gone back to hospitality for a while to at least get money in. I feel that if I do an MBA I can say that was why there's a gap in my CV (it is actually due to my psychiatrist telling me to not work as I was teetering upon another episode with a bunch of other major triggers happening at the same time...).
As far as success stories go, I think you're right, ppl are in the closet or don't know if they'd consider themselves successful. It would depend how you would define success. Like as Amy mentioned, you may find more ppl saying they've been successful at the end of their professional careers (if they chose to retire for example, rather than going off the charts and losing their jobs).
I went to a group for ppl with BP and met a man in his late 50s, has rapid cycling BP for about 10 years, and found out that he needed to shape his career to be in a position to be the boss. That way he was less likely to get irritable at his superiors (as he said he said he spend 70 percent of his time apologising for inappropriate behaviour spurned by his BP). I thought that was a fantastic way to manage his career around his illness, to ensure his success (he is the owner of several successful businesses).
I guess we've got to trust in our abilities (something i'm struggling with now that I no longer have that 'dream job' and I was diagnosed and lost the job just under a year after being diagnosed) and build a career that allows you to escape to your office if you need to use meditation techniques to distress, or work to your own hours or be autonomous or whatever it is that will less likely to trigger you.
Hopefully I'll be able to join you in that secret bipolar and successful club, and maybe we won't have to be so secretive about it then.
best of luck.
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